Healing can hurt

Learning why I have particular…experiences from my psychologist is not always fun. Sometimes the truth is just ■■■■■■ up and there is no changing the truth.

I think if therapy is making me think about unresolved things and making me admit to being flawed, it’s working. If I dream while sleeping about things that are unresolved, it means that it needs to be resolved. I guess what I am trying to say is that clinical psychology can be a little harsh. It’s all about the truth and not sugar coating it or making it look not as bad, that is because a false positive is not usually as risky as a false negative and clinical psychology is based in critical thinking.

For example, I guessed that the reason I have a “type” of person I find myself attracted to and everyone catching my attention looking similar is due to imprinting from the first crush I had as a little boy. I was right. That’s a little disturbing. I get off on being angry because I have learned that anger and rage produce results, while getting depressive and defeated feeling does not produce any victories.

So I am subconsciously fixated and get off on being pissed off. That is what the doctor said, but then repeatedly asked me “why is that ■■■■■■ up?” when I said that I thought it was ■■■■■■ up. He meant that it’s not my fault and that I am just a product of experiences and genetic predispositions. He also warned me not to get sex and anger associated, which he knows I am on the verge of because I always talk about my red hair fetish and well the last two people I slept with had red hair, which I told him. He notices that the only color I wear is red, other than that I just wear black and white (im serious, my whole wardrobe is red, black and white) and well he’s a clinical psychologist in his sixties he can figure that one out.

In short, I am a great ape.

Im going to be writing a senior thesis on psychotherapy, which is clinical psychology, so this is interesting to me. I sort of stand back and look at how therapy affects my me. Screaming on the way home should be taken note of. Dreaming about failures in dating the following night should be taken note of. Waking up and writing about it should be taken note of.

But I encourage you all to see therapists and tell them exactly what you experience, it helps. Just be ready to face some things you are afraid of, and figure out why you are afraid of them.


I will go back to therapy after finals. There is still some strange family stuff that I have to deal with. I need to call my therapist.

I remember when I was young I had a boil on my forearm, and the doctor gave me antibiotics to treat it. Those antibiotics made the boil hurt more, but they were healing the infection. Healing often can be painful. Broken bones have to be set. That isn’t to say we shouldn’t try to avoid unnecessary pain.