He finally saw my flat affect

It is good, in a lot of ways. He does a lot for me financially, for instance. He’s a good person, and I believe he wants to help and cares about me.

But it’s also compounding some of my existing struggles. And bringing up new ones, like sex. Something I never really struggled with before is now a chore and hassle most of the time. My actual drive has plummeted I’ve come to realize. His is hyperactive.

I’m sticking with it for now, I am endeared to him, and frankly I need him, but I can tell it might fall out.

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Thanks for real reply!

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He will figure it out in time. Maybe lol

My mom just the other day asked how i was doing. I said very tired its my brain been up for 4 days down for 5 lately. She said you prob need sleep. I said i slept over 10 hrs and no its just the cycle of my brain.

Then she goes oh yeah thats right it will turn around eventually.

Thats 11 years later of her knowing i have the bipolar aspect symptoms

People without mental illness have a difficult time relating to what someone with mental illness is dealing with.

Same as i cant relate to someone who has no legs or no arms. Its hard to grasp

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Everfy forty-year-old woman looks young and beautiful to me,

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My spouse is extremely social and i hate it.
I see a different side of him when he is social.
Extra enthusiastic - and not the person i know privately.
I don’t understand this need to be social for social sake.

@fractaled i really relate to some of the things you mentioned

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Neither do I. It’s all fake, and ego.

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I met a woman on Bumble and we have been out a couple of times, we chat everyday. I told her all about schizophrenia, my psychosis, meds, negative and positive symptoms. I told her the one negative symptom I am most affected by is a bit of the flat effect and she said she noticed it when we went out together.

It’s not that I don’t laugh or joke around or have a good time or have feelings, it’s just I’m not quite the same as “normal” people I guess.

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I’ve tried explaining this to him, but I don’t think he gets it.

He finally saw though, after I was laughing at something he said, how restricted it was. Not willfully, but how I physically could not laugh as much as I normally would.

Maybe he’ll see it in time, I’m hoping so at least.

Hope your new affection works out for you too. All we can do is try, and it works both ways.

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Hmmm, yea I feel this post @fractaled.

My boyfriend is probably the best person I know, and is always supportive of me during my ups and downs.

Currently, I’m kind of in a funk and am not my usual self. Some days are okay, most days are lost to excessive sleeping and the “coulda-shoulda-woulda.”

I try to hide or minimize most of it— perhaps in a feeble attempt at self-preservation by way of cognitive dissonance— but the truth is, the boat is sinking.

…It’s like when the Titanic hits the iceberg, and the orchestra keeps playing as the ship goes down.

The veneer is slipping, and it feels like only a matter of time before that dark underbelly is exposed— ultimately driving my boyfriend away.

To his credit, he is amazingly understanding and kind-hearted, and has been in my corner since Day One.

But there’s always that worry— that fear— that the insidious ways of this illness will somehow worm its way between us.

And so I hide. I deflect. I minimize.

…I buy time.

I buy time until the clouds have passed and that little ray of sunshine hits skin once again.

When I’m good, I’m really good. When I’m bad, it’s all sorts of fuucked.

With this illness, many of us become masters of camouflage.

We walk that thin line between honesty and disingenuousness often— hiding or masking our symptoms in plain sight just so we can have one more good day.

We all have our reasons— professional, social, or simply maintaining some small shard of normalcy.

Mine is love.

Be well and best wishes :sunny:

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It’s good to see you back on here @Schztuna
I hope all is well

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Hi @Wave :wave:

Feels… Interesting—but in a good way— to be back :slightly_smiling_face:.

Hope you’re doing well! :dizzy:

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What insightful, descriptive writing @Schztuna ! That was almost like poetry. And so true!

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Even though the ship is sinking you gotta find a way to swim.

Hope you get back on your feet soon.

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Thanks @SkinnyMe, and hope you’re well :slightly_smiling_face:

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Absolutely.

Thanks @LevelJ1 and hope you’re well :+1:

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Hey welcome back. :wolf::wolf::wolf:

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Thanks @GrayBear :dizzy:

Hope everything’s good your side :+1:

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I was thinking about how you used to brighten up this place…
I’m sure folks here would like to see and hear from you more…
Yes and yours “Hi peeps”
zoa

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I think this was meant for @Schztuna

:v: :sunglasses:

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Yes, it was…
I saw her avatar when I was writting

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