Doc: Are you hearing voices?
Me: (out loud) No. (In mind) I can hear you talking to me in my mind.
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I ask my pdoc if she wants the truth. She says well that answers that, and laughs. Next question is usually do you have any persistent plans to harm yourself or others. I can say no persistent to the point of having actual plans, she says good. That’s our extent about voices. I see her every few months, but call every month for my xanax refill.
Still working on getting into those trials though, cause the voices are homicidal. But I wouldn’t hurt a fly, so it’s all good.
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I don’t mention my voices much. They are external and not frequent. She is more concerned with visuals as mine are demons and really upset me.
Have you explained that to your doctor?
thank you for your candour @raelyn218. Your pdoc sounds kinda cool.
Only at my lowest of low points do I have homicidal feelings, to harm my primary abuser - mother dear. I’ve never acted on these feelings. They are just feelings. I don’t hear voices so much as feel I am reliving child abuse experiences with my mother and want to put it right.
I never do anything. I just retreat into my isolated world of not seeing family and not seeing anyone much. Like you, I wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s summer now here in SE Australia and I have many a fly & insect flapping around my home - I always catch them in a glass jar & release them outside in a nice park setting.
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Hi @MikaMoon, I think you posted to me on another thread that you found peace & forgiveness with your abusive mother & talk with her from time to time. Sorry if I’m remembering that wrong.
All my symptoms are my mother abusing me…physically, emotionally, sexually. So I know, as I always did, she’s in the wrong. That’s the wrong thing to do to a kid, especially your own kid.
So when my pdoc asks me what is ■■■■ with my symptoms I tell him it is mother dear. He understands she’s "Cluster B Narcissistic, criminal"and why that makes it so hard for me to relate to any colleague or friend or human. Only problem is, he forgets it from one appointment to the next. I have to start all over again next appointment. Why can’t he take notes and get some continuity happening?
Does your pdoc remember what your deal is from one appointment to the next? I feel that we should only have to describe trauma and then that’ll be noted & the pdoc can understand us from that point on.
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I don’t see one anymore…it resulted each time in becoming unstable. I was moving every couple months back then so it made regular meetings impossible. I never met one who actually believed my childhood story, which makes it hard to open up to them.
Sometimes I wish I could access more help, but the kind I need is not available. Anyways, most doctors primary function is to medicate. Medication doesn’t work, I’ve tried a couple dozen different kinds and most have increased my symptoms. Sometimes, I react to medication as I have a lot of allergies. I guess what I struggle with is the complex post traumatic stress disorder. There’s a lot of anxiety and I can feel depressed for no reason. Like why am down today? Nothing has happened.
I’m also overly sensitive to what people say. For example, to most people being called different is good thing, but on some days I cringe when I hear it. I have forgiven my mother, but the damage is still there.
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seeing the pdoc twice a year there is no continuity really. I barely get to say very much at all and find it overwhelming cos I have lots of things I would like to say but don’t get the chance.
I chat with the nurse more
talking of problem mothers, mine was heavy handed physically and I always call it abuse. I believe she is narc personality type too although she has mellowed a little with age. but I know her like no one else apart from siblings do. Father is in denial. Its been tough and in my twenties and thirties I would guess I had ptsd from my mother, flashbacks and voices and depression.
I don’t get them as much now just once in a blue moon. Im glad about that.
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@Flutterby idk its been tough for you. I hope that you are okay if you need to chat anytime.
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@MikaMoon forgiving them is that hardest thing to do. It sounds like you’ve found some inner peace with your mother i’m glad for you. I also have done with my mother. If ever you want to chat i’m here.
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@anon47726586 and @MikaMoon I hope my posts on this thread didn’t wander too far off topic, I must have been unwell when I wrote them (my moods can change rapidly), hope they weren’t upsetting.
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I’m glad the conversation went this way. I was having similar reflection just wasn’t talking about it.
@anon47726586 Thanks 
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