Have I to quit this spiritual search?

I don’t know if it’s caused by this, but I am in a lot of pain, as people with psychosis usually are. I hear a lot of Krishnamurti talks on how to live properly and so and so, and live a good life, to find some peace. But I don’t find anything. I probably am afraid that if I let go of this I will be lost, without reference to anything. But when I get off my medication I think that I am soon to be an enlightned man or that I have reached illumination - as once happened. My delusions never change. It’s always the same since day one, twelve years ago. It has to do with spiritual illumination. I hope this isn’t a trigger to anyone. First when I am down I need a boost from the lectures he gives but I never find my peace. It’s an endless search. I also hope that if I quit searching or listening to his talks I will be ‘cured’, but I don’t know how will it affect me, because I am dependent on them now.

What is enlightenment to you?

From i gather it’s letting go of all unnecessary desires and seeing every moment of life from the perspective of reverence for its complexity/simplicity and that fact that this universe exists when it rightfully not to. You can do this and believe or not believe in God/gods.

I’m an atheist but I still wonder from time to time. I certainly don’t believe in hell but I do fear the possibility.

You could put it on hold and see how things work out. Don’t have to be absolute about it.

There is also the western enlightenment of turning your life over to the studies of science and it’s perspective. Learn to see the world for what it is and what we know about it. No superstition or synchronicity. Many things become coincidence. You see how random ■■■■ really is. It is the nature of pure chaos to seem at some locations and times to be ordered.

If it’s something that keeps you glued together I wouldn’t mess with it.

Good luck man, don’t forget that you have us on here to talk to. We automatically care deeply for the people who visit this forum. Unless they are trolls. Then Malvok and alien99 run them out.

Sz is hardwired and recovery is hard found. I personally didn’t succeed with a spiritual approach in order to help me on a road to recovery so I’ve given up on that. There is nothing wrong with living a good life so if a spiritual experience helps to achieve same why not try it for awhile.

Thanks for the message.

Enlightenment falls, for me under the category of the endding of suffering. But this messed me up in the past, 12 years ago. I don’t know if it was this or not, but I was commited to a hospital for thinking I was meditating to reach enlightenment. Since then, this idea hasn’t left my side. It hunts me over and over as a solution to all the problems. And the problem is that is too appealing, too convincing, too desireable. I was suffering, so I went from depression to psychosis with this idea attached. No one talked to me about this ever in my history of treatment, ever. And I fear to talk to this with psychiatrists, because I can’t seem to trust them, thus feeding my paranoia even further about everyone.

I’ll put it on hold. It kind of takes me out of reality.

Can I have more insights into this? Tks