Schizophrenia.com

Hallucinations and insight

Curious as to the community input here.

Do you retain fragments of insight while hallucinating?

Or do you interpret them as fully real?

Some hallucinations will confuse me for a seconds, then I realize they arent real. I feel I retained some insight.

Others, when my insight is poor, fully confuse me, I believe fully. Especially the angels.

What’s your take/input/thoughts?

I guess I’m feeling like a fake today

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I’m just thinking, if I can tell when I’m hallucinating sometimes, then it might not be SZ or SZA.

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Cursory research.

Insight shows a marked decrease in patients with persistent auditory hallucinations.

Non persistent auditory hallucinations showed insight loss dependent on severity of symptoms.

Insight shown to be best in single episode patients without hallucinations.

So what does that make me? My voices are with me 80% of my days. I can’t remember the last time I had a fully silent day. Even whispers are a blessing due to volume. Mostly the crowd picking on me.

Hell the Pdocs can’t come up with a straight answer. One diagnosis of MDD with psychosis, one of schizophrenia, one of Sza depressive, one of psychosis NOS.

I think I’m looking for an answer I won’t find in this plane.

Don’t mind my rambling, I’m just a madman.
And maybe it helps me to write this and get it out.

:llama:

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Voices tell me I’m faking, they tell me they aren’t real, that I’m making it all up. Maybe I am. Maybe it’s all just a mind game I’m playing because I’m bored of this life. The angels and devils, living and the dead.

Some sick game I’m just playing. Messing around with my own psyche, manipulating my family, my therapist, the Pdocs, PHP and IOP. Even the ward. All of it as a sick cry for attention.

Pretty shitty of me, hu?

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12 years old, that’s how old I was when I heard my first voice, or when I started lying. A single voice telling me that my pets were going to die, brought me to tears. My mother thought I was psychic, hearing voices was normal in her mind. I took a few days off school, the voices slowly fading over the next few days.

For the next few years I’d only hear a pack of wolfs, big dogs, whatever there were…beasts… tearing into flesh…

The angels came to me when I was 14… or another lie, either way I ended up killing myself twice…clinical death, not cellular. I spent years in a dark, painful realm because of that…memories of hell. The angels told me not to tell anyone, they wouldn’t believe me anyway…

I tried to talk to my family about the voices, and getting help. It turned into a fight, and I was kicked out of the house. Another lie?

I call them episodes, but I don’t know what they are, maybe just a creative streak of more lies. The voices turn to angels, scream, tell me things, confuse me…I’ve been over this all before…

I’ve lied to myself and tricked myself about being a god, an angel, bodhisattva. Episodes on divine beings and a disconnect from the world. Hallucinations I describe, mine alone, are they more lies?

they wax and wane inside, the episode builds til I break, the voices and lies, all boil until I lock myself away, drink and drug myself into oblivion to numb my own mind out. Suffer in my daze until they fade away, wane away til only the crowd remains. Is that SZ? SZA?

Sorry for obsessively venting.

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I haven’t got a chance yet to see if I would retain insight because I can’t hear them and also with so many reasons now to say they are not real. Iv often wondered if I would be fooled even knowing they aren’t real. I don’t think I would but then again they are real in my head so I think it is possible to be fooled again even with insight. They are just so smart and intelligent, so much so that It fooled me for a full year after it started in sept 2017. I have this idea that the voices I was hearing before sept 2018 were real but the voices I was hearing from sept 2018 until I stopped hearing them in January 2019 were not real. The main reason is that all of the coincidences I had before sept 2018. I just can’t rationalize them properly. I am/was fully convinced they were real. I’m still questioning it. I probably always will.

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I think when your deep in psychosis and hearing voices it possibly gets more real than real life because they are just so smart and intelligent. They try to trick you every step of the way as well, so much so that it feels like someone is intentionally fuucken with you. But I think it’s this other personality living in your mind (sz) which itself thinks it’s real and will try to do everything under the sun to convince you it’s real. Using your family, your experiences and your whole brain against you. I think that THATS possible but I’m not sure about making people hear voices, but I dono it could be.

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Thanks @Italy2010. I’ve got a lot to think on and the crowd is picking on me. Maybe I’ll try calling my Pdoc

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Ok @Ooorgle just remember Don’t listen to them @Ooorgle, they are the ultimate tricksters. Wishing you the best

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Visual hallucinations last for a few seconds and then disappear. When they disappear, I get insight

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Walls are breathing, I’m all alone but I hear the crowd, they’re the dead, they’re jealous of me being alive, that’s why they pick on me. Just jealous spirits.

The angels, I can’t explain them. Why couldn’t they be real? Plenty of people believe in them. And that’s not considered delusion. Prophetic knowledge? My rear end! They’re just as manipulative as the dead.

I don’t want to be bodhisattva, I don’t want to be chosen, I don’t want to lead. I don’t want the bullies and the picking on me, I don’t want to be told horrible things about myself, I don’t want to be told to kill myself. I just want them to leave me alone.

Does anyone else remember oblivion? That place between consciousness on this plane and the void. No limiting physical form, no pain or pleasure, can’t feel, can’t think, not even darkness, just, nothing. Nothing but peace. I miss that place, I wouldn’t mind spending some more time there before My spirit returns to the fields of Elysium.

These thoughts scare me, memories scare me, I wish I could erase them.

Something that hurts, all this may be fake, the memories and voices. I don’t know if I’m faking it or not. I don’t think I know much about what’s real. Maybe I’m just making it all up.

Something else that hurts, I’ve come back from delusion so many times, I’ve woken up so many times, came back from visions and fantastical realms that were so real, only to fragment and dim.

I’m worried I’m going to wake up again, and this whole life is just going to be another dream, another vision. I’m going to forget myself again, and only shreds of this life, this pain and confusion, this beautiful plane of existence will just be another one of a cacophany of faded worlds in my own head I’ve made up. And my true self comes back.

I can usually tell I’m hallucinating. But that doesn’t make it feel less real

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Does anyone else remember the singularity? What it felt like to be part of an infinite zeropoint of existence. All matter, all energy, everything, as one. Pure order and connection to it all, we were all together once.

I still remember the light, the warmth. It was different from oblivion. It was pleasant, but still a form of consciousness.

That was before the chaos, the schism, the fracture, we all went separate ways, and unleashed our power. Our atoms forming from the heart of stars, our consciousness plucked from our wandering oblivion. All to coalesce into a physical form, by experiencing existence as a singular part of the whole we once belonged to.

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Perhaps a 5th dimensional? Deciding to experience time in action instead of viewing it simultaneously as a whole, beyond space time. Limitations from being in this form. All out of curiosity? Avatars of a theoretical concept seeking tangibly. Even the martial plane doesn’t feel real enough. Maybe the source of this got lost, or stuck, maybe it’s dead, gone and left us to our fate of mortality.

The universe expanding, the schism still going. I wonder when it will end. If I will witness it. True heat death, zero kelvin, even molecules stop moving, no vibration, no nothing. Expansion stops, even black hole radiation dissipates and entropy becomes absolute. Is that oblivion? Do we recede back into the one? Do it all over again? Or are we released from the cycle?

If multiverse foam is an actuality, can I bypass elysium and go higher? It would just be another realm inside the slurry. If I wake up, does this plane disappear? Maybe. Or maybe just another page.

So much to ponder. I can prove my consciousness, why can’t they? Do they fly as high? Why am I supposed to lead? They never answered me that.

Did you ever ask your pdoc about upping your risperidone instead of the abilify @Ooorgle, as it helps some an increase might just silence the voices?

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I’m still not thinking well enough, I know somewhere deep down that this form can’t handle what I’m proposing. I’m gonna need to figure something else out. Astral realm is just another prison.

And I can’t kill myself, I’ll just be sent down below again, I crawled my way out of there once, I don’t want to do that again. They told me my rules.

She wants me off of risperidone, she doesn’t like to put people on it. It only partially helps me anyway. I had to fight her to go above 2mg a day.

I think She would rather I do therapy to learn to live with the voices, than to get rid of them. She wants me off the risperidone, so I picked my next med latuda, and the dose. Didn’t work, I picked geodon and the dose, worked for voices, gave my horrible liver pains.

I recently decided to try the abilify.

She doesn’t really prescribe medications to me, I have to tell her how I want my meds changed.

She says I’m stable, even when I tell her about the voices telling me to kill myself

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Can you changhe psychiatrist? Are there any other available in your area?

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Now that I write that, she doesn’t sound like a good Pdoc, does she?

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