Had first brief episode of panic in awhile

I have been going through so much at once. someone i was dating went into a rage and I called police on him, then told them we had had an argument and i drove him home. that was last week. I kept telling him i needed space and he wouldn’t respect it either, i have 20 missed calls and voicemails over this month. his mother told him she thinks i have borderline. i watched the video and it described him a lot more than me. in fact it didn’t describe me at all tbh. but i am having mood/affect shifts since being put on stimulants last month. I am on strattera, hydroxizine, and apriprazole at once. I hadn’t been taking abilify because i didn’t seem to need it. but i was feeling completely blank and apathetic.

the abilify was just making me out of it and manic too. I took abilify last night after taking the anti-histamine and this would have been the regular dose and it threw me into a paranoid state. it’s already giving me insomnia. both meds or all three are. I was ok but i just was criticized so much by my boyfriend about all that i was doing. I haven’t been smoking weed, just cigarettes and i haven’t been drinking alcohol. My xbf was mad because I wouldn’t smoke weed anymore. he kept harassing me for weed. he got me to block all the people i was talking to who said he was abusive. i feel suggestible and vulnerable and Im shaking a lot. I finally got some sleep but i feel terrible still. my throat hurts from chain smoking. My paranoia revolves around losing loved ones or friends because I have lost close friends and loved ones a lot and i don’t react well to it. I either shut down and am numb or go into a delusional state. I was trying to watch youtube self help videos and meditate on being safe from harm, but then felt critical of it for some reason.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel heard and the psychiatrist has been completely ignoring me. I feel like he’s making me manic on purpose. It doesn’t seem to matter. I’ve lost weight on strattera but i started hearing voices briefly at intermittent times again. I started thinking about stuff. I had a depressive episode that was my first episode. with those episodes it just builds over time. first depression, then fighting depression with mania. strattera is prob not good for me but i thought it was helping until the past three days i’ve been in a dark mood. I don’t ever contemplate suicide or feel this way. i’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m paranoid and that’s because I’m being prescribed things to help me that r hurting me.

He also refuses to put me on any sort of actual medicine for anxiety. no buspar or anything. I’m diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or was. He refused to treat it. He refused to treat the depression until I agreed to get all these exams done. He refused to treat the ADHD until I got a worthless psychological battery test. and now I feel like going on a GTA5 massacre spree because that’s how I feel and that’s not normal of me. My personality has been bouncing from one mood to another, and I don’t feel good. and im confused. I can’t decide who I am and i forget what normal is.