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How Being Less Naturally Social Can Affect Your Interpersonal Success
In other articles on this site I talk about how there’s nothing wrong with being less naturally social, and go over some ways less sociable people can get away with doing their own thing.
This article is coming from a more practical perspective. It’s written from the view of someone who is less naturally social, but who wants to work on their people skills and make friends. The points below will cover some ways having a less social nature can get in the way of your goals.
Issues that come from having a lower drive to socialize
Lack of motivation to improve your people skills or social life
If you’re less social you enjoy your own company and are usually able to fulfil yourself through any number of more solitary hobbies. The problem is this can get you stuck in annoying middle ground where you wish your social life had more going on in it, but it doesn’t cause enough pain to really push you to make changes. You could finally drop in on that bridge club… but if you stayed in and watched a documentary you’d have a perfectly pleasant evening too. Your overall progress is going to more inconsistent and drawn-out. If you’ve also got some shyness or anxiety holding you back as well, things can really stall.
Lacking motivation to grow new friendships
New friendships take some energy to get off the ground. When you meet a prospective friend often there’s an element of striking when the iron is hot; at least at first, you have to hang out with the person fairly frequently to ‘lock-in’ the budding relationship. The motivation of less social people to make friends may wax and wane. They may meet someone new they get along with, but then when it’s time to stay in touch and organize those first few get togethers they’re no longer as driven and they neglect the lead and let it go cold.
Lack of motivation to maintain existing friendships
Once a friendship is established the people in it usually form an understanding on how often they’ll contact each other and hang out. Some friends see each other nearly every day. Others work fine with monthly hangouts. Whatever the amount required, a less social person may not meet it, because they don’t need to hang out that often. A friendship may survive for a while this way, but eventually slip away because the other person isn’t getting entirely what they need from it.
Falling behind due to accumulated lack of practice and experience
In the long term being less social affects your success by influencing how much social experience and practice with people you get. A more solitary person is going to grow up having putting in a lot less hours with their peers. His or her social skills will lag behind. They may struggle with things that other people don’t even have to think about anymore. In time a vicious circle can start where the less you socialize, the less rewarding, and more discouraging it becomes, which can cause you to devote an even lower amount of time to it.
Overall I think less social people sometimes see socializing as something to do when everything else is in order, when they’re in the they mood, when they have enough energy, when they have enough free time, when you have something fun enough planned, when they’re not too stressed or preoccupied. In contrast, I think many people are always ready to socialize and are much less likely to put conditions on it. It can help to try to see being around people as something you can always do, not just when the stars are aligned.
On the whole I don’t think there’s an easy answer for these motivational issues. One thing that may help is to look at your goals and check if they’re something you really want for yourself or if they’re more externally imposed. Do you really need a ton more friends, or do you feel that’s what you ‘should’ want? If it’s the latter, no wonder your belly isn’t full of fire to go after it. If you really do want to go after your goals, but your less social personality interferes it may just be a matter of having the self-discipline to do the things you trust will work out best for you in the long run.
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