Going off my antidepressant

I told my pdoc my antidepressant was not doing anything to me good or bad and I wanted off. I was wrong but I’m unsure if it was helpful. It did make my throat constrict a little bit for sure. Going off completely was hell but I don’t want another, at least right away. I’m going to try and see if I can do without one because it changed my depression into something weird. It made my depression more cognitive and less feeling. That’s the best I can explain it. It was just weird, alien feelings that I couldn’t put into words when it came to explain it to my doctor. For over a week after going off I was in a very bad space of self hatred and suicidal depression. ( I have a history of self sabotage. )I felt like a very evil S.O.B. I was in my apartment five days straight and lived off of eggs and cheese. So it you have doubts about antidepressants working, they definitely do have an effect.