My parents seemed to be the two extremes.
For me it was backwards, from neglegent to overprotective. Make your damn minds already!
I hadn’t thought of that. It’s true, the neglect came first.
What can you do to move past your past, chordy?
I think that everyone here has similar experiences.
Would like to see you contribute to the forum as a whole.
My past is my stumbling block. When I’m up against a barrier, the past is why. So I mention it and it turns out others have known the same. To me, that is contributing.
I would suggest serious intervention with therapist or counselor.
You can’t carry baggage all your life.
And why should you? You were never to blame.
Writing on the forum releases the baggage. The baggage should not remain an unknown.
ok, just don’t let your light go out, you are worth so much more.
I wish there was some way to help.
This forum helps. And my light is not going to go out. Revelations are enlightenment.
I agree. Neglect sure hurts, which I only experienced after one of my parents passed away.
The two extremes are often the same. In this case it could be confusing parenting. Notmoses knows a lot about this.
Like teaching me to be afraid of doctors. I don’t know. Sometimes I think that is wise although it’s never really good to walk in fear.
According to those who wrote the books listed below, the “confusing” parenting style may be the worst there is for someone with genetic precursors for sz.
Bateson, G., Jackson, D., Haley, J.; et al: Perceval’s Narrative: A Patient’s Account of his Psychosis, Palo Alto, CA: Stanford University Press, 1961.
Esterson, A.: The Leaves of Spring: Schizophrenia, Family and Sacrifice, London: Tavistock, 1972.
Henry, J.: Pathways to Madness, New York: Random House, 1965.
Jackson, D. (ed.): The Etiology of Schizophrenia: Genetics / Physiology / Psychology / Sociology, London: Basic Books, 1960.
Laing, R. D.; Esterson, A.: Sanity, Madness and the Family, London: Tavistock, 1964.
Lidz, T.: The Origin and Treatment of Schizophrenic Disorders, New York: Basic Books, 1973.
Lidz, T.; Fleck, S., Cornelison, A.: Schizophrenia and the Family, 2nd Ed.; New York: International Universities Press, 1985.
Digging into the baggage sure as hell worked for me. This was how I started into it years ago: http://www.adultchildren.org/
My parents are so overprotective that I think as a kid it kind of made me clueless about the real world.
Have seen it 50 times (at least). Further comment necessary? I think not.
Yeah, me too. Now I am amazed at how people really are. It’s not always nice.
I just ordered a couple of those books about family notmoses recommended on Amazon. They were a penny each plus shipping of $3.99.
My parents swung from neglectful to overbearing too. Life was full of double binds. Very confusing, uncertain at all times. It’s funny now in a sad way, seeing my parents still at their old tricks when I’m around them. It’s exhausting. I’m learning to set boundaries, distancing myself from them and their problems - not getting sucked into their dramas, trying to lead my own life.
Me too. Having to come live with my mother again its been really difficult sometimes, because of those reasons you posted.
I’ve read some of the books Notmoses has been recommending in his posts about family. Luckily I was able to get them from the library but the ones that really helped so far were:
Toxic parents: overcoming the hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life.
Stop walking on eggshells.
Understanding the borderline mother.
Even if your mom is not bpd, they describe types of mothers and how to deal with them. The thing I found most helpful was a list in 2 different books of nondefensive phrases that will stop an argument in its tracks. I’ve used them and it works, my bfn has used it and it works. The phrases also help set boundaries.
Non-exclusive phrases to use when your significant other/parent is acting irrationally:
That’s your choice.
I’m sure you see it that way.
You are entitled to your opinion.
I’m sorry you are upset.
Let’s talk about this when you are calmer.
Yelling & threatening aren’t going to solve anything.
This subject is off limits.
I don’t chose to have this conversation.
Guilt peddling & playing the pity card aren’t going to work anymore.
I know you are upset.
This is nonnegotiable.
I know you’ll think of a solution.
I’m sorry I can’t help you, I know you can handle this yourself.
Sorry for hijacking the thread chords but this is kind of related. Just think if you could have said these things to your parents when you were a child, how different your life might have been.