Hello.
I have schizoaffective disorder but I also have these memories that came back to me. The first time they came back was when I was 18. I was on LSD in the woods and remembered the name of a musician outside whom’s concert I was calling people into. I looked him up and he was real. He had one album out on Napster. The name just came to me. “Come one come all to the (person’s name) show!” I was outside a small concert in Rockford Illinois. I’ve been there briefly and recognized the warehouse it was held in. During this time a friend of my then girlfriend would sometimes ask me “remember the ship?” and it would feel like my mind would turn to glue and I’d get this splitting headache. Yes I now remember the ship. I was abducted when I was 12 by two men who purported to sell me ecstacy. They had a big white van and they drove me to New Jersey where they owned a warehouse where they manufactured ecstacy and taught and instructed underage abducted children how to buy and sell drugs and steal cars. They were rapists. I ended up escaping and hopping a freight train to Illinois where we entered this army depot and ended up being found by these Amish/ Memonite German kids. I ended up meeting this musician who abused me yet I still listen to his stuff. We bought an old green buss and lived in it at an old drive in movie lot. He played a few shows I wrote two of his well known songs and I have all these vivid memories of being there. He was 23/24 and we were 13 to 16. We did stage art with fire and costumes. It was old timey jazz music. I sang once on stage at a club.
The ship was before this. One of the guy’s who abducted me sometimes hopped a freighter out of my home town to Libya and came back with drugs. He claimed to have been in the special forces. He got me and a friend on board and we sailed to Libya. I remember being in what seemed like a circus tent and in the sand ring I remember it both as an out of body experience and from within. There was this tiger cub and I called it over and I ended up cuddling with it. In the stands were two men. An older man smoking a cigar and a younger guy standing next to him whispering to him. I remember staying at an army base for women. The woman I spent the night with was Irish and was a soldier. There was a severe electrical storm that night and she told me of how she ended up dropping out of a private school ending up on the street and ending up in Libya. I don’t know how we got home. In my home town after this I met the band Spoon when they were young and unknown. I was hanging out with this 23 year old newspaper reporter and she brought me to a house where they were hanging out. I cried into my bowl and we smoked my tears.
This was when I shortly ended up in Illinois. I was psychotic after abuse and witnessing something i black out on in the warehouse. I would ramble on about things like apocolyptic rantings and alot of my words were immortalized in albums. I also slept with a female judge when I was 13. She must have been in her 40’s. I met Dan Brown and hallucinated a battle from WWI going on outside his house. His wife was there. I had a car. A small hatchback with a screwdriver in the ignition. I did a ton of LSD and ecstacy while living in Illinois. Once when on Thorazine I became lucid and remembered who I was (I’d been going by the name Alex Struckbe) I remembered my brother and wrote a poem that became a song.
After all this I came home and ended up with amnesia. I remember my mom shaving my dreads off (I had very short dreads going on) but I just went back to my normal life at school. Had a relationship with no remembereance of these things or symtpoms. Although before this I ended up doing alot of acid in the woods of Maine. And my first girlfriends older sister and her boyfriend took me along on these crazy trips. He was a heroin addict. All these memories cme back to me in my 20’s. My parents don’t talk about it but I remember my mom asking me once in my 20’s if I remembered my 14th birthday. I had met a pilot breaking into her basement. She, utterly addorable, came running down the stairs with a pistol in her hands and she “took me hostage”. She was 30 and I was just about to turn 13. She was in the airforce and flew F-15s. She was reading the bible and watching the news that night. She’d been crying. She took me up in a red bi-plane and the musician wrote a song about this. I told her I as 18 which she doubted. On my 14th birthday she took me to the base on a Sunday when her C/O was off and took me up in an F-15. I remember vividly being up there, the cannopy and the sky. It turned me inside out. I was mush on the tarmack on coming down from that. I told her my real age when she dropped me off at the bus and it broke her heart. I remember feeling the purest sadness that day. I wrote a poem extempore which became a famous song. It was my 14th birthday. I chainsmoked camel reds back then and drank red wine and peach schnapps.
Anyway like I said I went back to my normal life with no memory of all this and no symptoms of anything other than depression during my first relationship and start of high school. It would trigger ocasionally sometimes during electrircal storms other times for other reasons. I now remember having a relationship in sophmore year of high school which I forgot about. There was also this woman I met one night at a convenience store who smoked crack with me and took me home. She was involved in the whole Furry thing. Sexual Cosplay I suppose. She wanted me to buy ecstacy for her parties and that she was afraid to buy drugs. I don’t know where she got the crack we smoked. I also when triggered out was downtown one night and ran into this beautiful red head police officer. I walked right up to her and she said all flirtaciously “i might have to arrest you” So she put me in her car and drove me to this notorious “parking” spot and she ended up putting everything she found in my pockets out on the hood of the car and said “condom, wallet, weed, knife” it was funny the way she said weed. It was a dime bag. She took me home to her aprtment. Her dad was some kind of politician. She slept with me during a thuderstorm and then I went home.
There’s more that I hesitate to talk about. A lot more. It was after a breakup when I was 18. I went completely numb relizing that I couldn’t live easily without this person who had been all I knew. I ended up going home with someone from another state and ended up living with her. She smoked crack and had a baby. I ended up selling drugs and living with these teenage girls who took care of me. I’m not the drug selling type. I had a laywer who got me into all kinds of things including an arms deal out of Portland harbor. I drove a sports car I got a a gift.
I feel like you could just discount all this and say it’s me being schizophrenic and my parents have when I’ve talked about it though it’s when I was drunk and I sensationalized it rather than starting from the beginning. They hospitalized me once for it in my late 20’s. I feel like I did all this and have talked to the musician at one of his concerts though I dissociated big time while doing it. They just asked me if I was Alex and I said I was once. He was doing sound check and we briefly spoke. I don’t know. It’s very strange what gave me amnesia. It came in a bottle and was some kind of chemical that worked by inhaling it. I don’t know. If I could claim this as my legit life experience I feel like it would help me yet it’s really just another story I have or a lot of them. I don’t know. Tell me what you think.