For those of us who want work

The Job on Getting Jobs

by Sheri Grutz

The Job on Getting Jobs (a brief sketch)

Characters
NEAL (mid-forties, slovenly dressed)
WOMAN (professional attire, glasses)

Lights up on employment office with desks and swivel chairs, and men and women in them in business attire, some talking on the phone, some on computers, some talking with others sitting right beside the desk, and one of them is Neal.

WOMAN
how long have you been out of work?

NEAL
About 9 months, could have made a kid, at least I’d be good at something.

WOMAN
Hmm, still in the infant stage.

NEAL
They say baby steps get you there.

WOMAN
Are you crying for your supper?

NEAL
Naw, I’m force fed.

WOMAN
You haven’t listed any of your skills.

NEAL
They’re too general and not specific.

WOMAN
But you’ve got to hone in with precision like a laser beam.

NEAL
Oh, well, I have used a scanning gun, but I won’t trigger you.

WOMAN
ISBN is pretty close to ESPN, can’t you coach?

NEAL
Can’t keep my head in the game.

WOMAN
The rat race do a number on ya?

NEAL
I do have a treadmill, that’s my wheel.

WOMAN
I can see you’re getting nowhere.

NEAL
The training is for that particular job, I can’t take it with me.

WOMAN
Find similar jobs I guess.

NEAL
They all look alike sure it runs in the family ownership.

WOMAN
Ok, so we’ve got these classes called Educare, and they will teach you how to land the job, how to manage money, how to effectively communicate, all for free.

NEAL
Not sure I’m free.

WOMAN
Of course you’re free, you’re not working now.

NEAL
It goes against my free thinking.

WOMAN
Your decisions have been poor.

NEAL
That’s what they say about the poor.

WOMAN
You can rise above.

NEAL
The bar might be too high.

WOMAN
Leap of faith?

NEAL
Hmmm, everything is in the limbo.

WOMAN
You’re not bending over backwards though to make it work.

NEAL
Child’s play.

WOMAN
But don’t you want your big boy toys?

NEAL
Hmm, just sex toys.

WOMAN
Too much information there.

NEAL
But you’re taking it all down aren’t you?

WOMAN
Bits and pieces of a broken life.

NEAL
Didn’t mean to shatter your ilusions.

WOMAN
I’m being paid and I take it very seriously.

NEAL
I had a serious crush on a girl who looked just like you.

WOMAN
Is that the only time you’re serious?

NEAL
I vowed I would never laugh at the altar.

WOMAN
So you got the girl.

NEAL
No, she left for California, got on the magic bus, married a rocker.

WOMAN
Hmmm, well, traits mean very little if you can’t look in the mirror.
I’ve got a list here of times and dates of the next session of classes, it’s your choice, and here’s my business card to contact me with your selection.

NEAL
So I just plug myself in, huh?

WOMAN
That’s what makes things work.

NEAL
I’d like to plug into your socket.

WOMAN
Your power surge of hormones might give you a charge.

NEAL
You mean sexual harassment?

WOMAN
Yes.

NEAL
Oh, man, well, I do have a lot of lost ground.

WOMAN
You don’t stand a chance.

NEAL
So you’re taken.

WOMAN
Every night.

NEAL
I’d like to settle down.

WOMAN
You should.

NEAL
Keep it in the pants, huh?

WOMAN
Yes.

NEAL
I bet you wear the pants in the family.

WOMAN
Everything will soon be unisex.

NEAL
Battle of the sexes.

WOMAN
It’s better than being at war with yourself.

NEAL
I’ll change out of my fatigues.

WOMAN
Mid-life crisis?

NEAL
Meltdown like a candle that lost it’s flame.

WOMAN
I think you need a motivational speaker, they’re all over You Tube.

NEAL
I get more from the music.

WOMAN
Well, Neal, we are finished here, but I want you to keep in touch.

NEAL
Don’t tempt me.

WOMAN
Yeah, I bet your hands know how to work.

NEAL
You want me to show you?

WOMAN
Yes, in writing, on your resume.

NEAL
I’m experienced, baby, just holding back the years.

WOMAN
Don’t let anything hold you back.

NEAL
Alright, I got the sheet, and I’ll check my schedule and get back to ya.

WOMAN
Just do it.

NEAL
Yes, I’ve gone the extra mile before.

WOMAN
That’s the only irony because you’ve got to stop running away.

NEAL
Yeah, and running my mouth.

WOMAN
Put your money where your mouth is.

NEAL
I’ll never get rich.

WOMAN
Not if it’s your two cents.

NEAL
I appreciate your help.

WOMAN
That’s what I’m here for.

He walks out the door, woman organizing files, and straighten desk. Lights out. The end.

1 Like