For the sake of opportunity

Yesterday, I asked if the city or country was best for people with psychotic disorders. Most people said “country” and I agree, mostly. The problem is that I’ve been in the country for 12 years and while I have worked here, I now realize there’s nothing here left for me that won’t be short-term, at best.

My husband and I are barely getting by in conditions we shouldn’t be living in because of the employment situation here. My paranoia has gotten worse since I’ve been here because of how many situations I’ve had with people - not a lot of diversity here and my condition has been discussed as “devil possession” by my boss while I waited tables, etc.

We’re considering going back to Portland where I can reintegrate into working by working for the Goodwill and he can get a job that involves a fair paycheck. After I spend a year or so with Goodwill, I’d look for a way to put my graduate degree to work. We’d use public transportation but I do get paranoid–less so with headphones and sunglasses and maybe I need a service animal.

It’s quiet here with no traffic but we can’t even afford a mobile home or apartment. I love the hiking and the wildlife but I also want a life of our own–I want to be able to afford one. BUT can I handle it? Will the social anxiety be too much? I’ve lived there before and my experience was very stressful but I did maintain to a point, though I was not working or going to school. My blind, narcissist and extrovert boyfriend did, however, use a lot of my time and energy as well as send me into daily panic attacks sometimes just by the nature of our warring problems and sometimes to deliberately make a point about my ability to control my anxiety,

My husband and I are going to take a 3-4 day trip to Portland soon to investigate the situation. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on the topic of possibly facing worse symptoms to meet goals? My therapist calls me an “extremely” high functioning schizophrenic, so maybe that has some bearing. All I know is that I’m ready to leave this place and improve our situation but my biggest fear is that I’ll crack up and land us both in a crisis. The worst case scenario is that we’d end up back here in our unfinished home without hot water or electricity. My husband can get a job anywhere local; it just won’t pay anything because none of the jobs do.

I know this is long - sorry. I’m thinking about it a lot. I think what I want most is a bath - not a 4 gallon stock pot scrub down from the top of the wood stove but a lay back and relax - most of the body is immersed in water, relaxing bath. I don’t look for bubble bath but I’ll take it!

If anyone has read thus far and has thoughts THANK YOU. I want to do the thing that works and I don’t know what that’s going to be. I know things are different for everyone but thoughts are still worth considering. I find that there is good advice here.

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It’s worth checking out at least. If you’re unhappy where you are.

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Being poor is one of my biggest stressors. Being poor and feeling trapped in the little town I live in now is frustrating.
I’ve heard that Portland is really pretty. If it’s pretty, has lots of trees and open spaces and also has more job and living opportunities, then that seems really nice.
I hope you and your husband will choose what’s best for you. Your living situation is so important for your peace of mind.

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I think life is all about choices. And you and your husband are ultimately the ones that can make this decision.

I also think it’s important at times to take a little risk. You don’t want to take too much of a risk though. (I.e. moving to a foreign country with no $ ;)).

That being said, if this is your dream and you have the resources to move, then you can weigh the pros versus cons better.

Sorry for the long post. I am working on a book today. Therefore I am in a real chatty mood. :slight_smile:.

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Isn’t it awful? I’m not used to this. Southern California had jobs, opportunities and a better quality of life all the way around outside of never being quiet. And that’s what I’ll miss: the stars and the quiet. The rest of this nightmare can just go.

Actually, though, I don’t recall any open spaces in Portland. I’ve always described the city as condensed–things are closer together than I remember seeing them anywhere but maybe in downtown LA. There are tons of trees and it’s gorgeous and normally thriving.

I’m sorry you are also struggling with this sort of garbage. It really is hard to struggle financially. I hate it.

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It’s demoralizing, but anything you can do to improve your situation you must do.
I have a good life. I’m working on paying off my debt that I accrued over eighteen years of being a single mom. (Even with no rent at my parent’s house, there were plenty of costs somehow. I don’t know how people do it without help!)
In four years or so, God willing, my debt will be little enough to give me some elbow room.
Anyway, I sure wish you and your husband the best. Anywhere there are jobs is better than anyplace with no jobs to be honest.

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Thank you, that’s what I keep repeating to myself: improve your situation!

I got beat down out here being discriminated against and treated like a moron. I finished my degree last May but haven’t been moving real quick to do anything with it because I’m afraid all the world has a small town education. I know it isn’t true; I worked in LA County for many years. But it’s hard to be treated like you can’t even manage a minimum wage job for 12 years when you were a graphics shop manager at 18. Still, it has beat me down.

In Portland, I can be vocationally rehabilitated. Here, I’m just going to continue being angry over the way I’ve been treated because nothing is going to change. Even if I find a job from home, I’ll be angry that I wasn’t given a chance here.

My husband brought up the move and it surprised me. He’s got all his family here. But he also knows that his wife is deeply hurt and disappointed and feels like she ought to have a chance to do something to improve herself, her life and even just her routine.

Thanks again… I can’t tell you how difficult all of this has been for me. I’m really stubborn and wanted our current situation to work out but I find that highly unlikely now.

Debt is hard but it’s so much easier to get it taken care of. We’ve got a bit we’re working through ourselves.

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I am very poor (SSDI) and live with my dad about an hour and a half north of Portland in Tacoma, WA. I love the NW. I think we (you included) should take advantage of any opportunity to better our situation. I say check it out! I wish you luck.

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I wasn’t taking it too seriously at first but I loved living in Portland and I really miss it.

Thanks :slight_smile:

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I’m so sorry for the way you’ve been treated. That’s horrible and obviously adds to your stress and unhappiness. You sound very capable and I’m sure things are going to get better. :heart:

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Thank you. I believe that I am very capable; I’m not sure where I developed the audacity to believe that but I do. I have two problems going on that tend to cause people to treat me badly, I think. My husband and I have discussed it and he agrees that I have these problems in this environment.

  1. My cleft lip and palate - they make people uncomfortable.
  2. I’m really quiet and people seem to think I was either too small in dealing with the problems with my cleft or I’m snotty which means I think I am better than them.

The culture is strange here. I stopped having problems with my cleft affecting the way people treated me after a surgery I had at 15. Here, I had a “pastor” attack me over Christian cleft baby killing like he thought those sick bastards made the right decisions. I was in my late 20s. Of course, things like that don’t make me more talkative but they don’t happen in diverse places. This place is just plain backwards.

Anyway, my husband treats me well, as does his family and there are a lot of them. My mother really tries. It’s not ALL bad. Though, I think I have been treated worse here than I’ve been treated anywhere since I was a child. There is a cleft specialty team in Portland, so locals are accustomed to the birth defect and that might be worth considering, too. It’s hard to imagine grown adults acting like bullying school children over some scars on a person’s face but they do; they’re just more discrete about it.

Thank you again. It’s seeming very likely that we will make this move. I think it would be better for both of us.

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I would move if I were you. Work is important for recovery and you gotta be where the jobs are.

In a larger city you’re cloaked in anonymity also, that helps reduce paranoia.

The country (which is what I voted for the other day) is great if you are acutely ill, but recovery means reintegration into society. And you just can’t achieve that where you’re living currently because you have more going for you, you have a degree, you should use it!

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a better life for yourself. There’s something wrong with only ever dreaming about it and not taking steps to achieve it.

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I absolutely hate living in the country. I love the city and I am looking to move back there, too. I am Syrian, and being surrounded by people with Trump signs on their front lawns makes me incredibly paranoid. The country is a hard place to live when you look different. If I had to live in the place you’re living, with no electricity and no heat, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Portland is a beautiful city, and very friendly. And you worked hard to get your degree. You should go somewhere where you can actually use it!

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I have told many people that I deeply miss having anonymity for that very reason.

I kept telling myself I’d find a work from home job. But I liked working in the public. It might be hard to utilize communications and writing in a job where I am interacting with people all day but I could at least be in an office and not feel so damned defeated that the only work I can do is from home.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I want to go, yesterday.

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Thanks:)

Yeah, our situation is ridiculous. We wanted out of a mortgage contract we were in and decided we’d throw all the money we had left over into this place. We were about $5,000 short of having a reasonable home free and clear because unexpected costs came up. We could have it taken care of by fall but we aren’t planning to now. We’ll hold onto our money for Portland plans. We do have heat, though. We’d have died without that. It gets real cold here (-40). It’s hot water we don’t have and it sucks but hasn’t killed us, yet.

I’m afraid the country is real stuck in its country ways… I can do without a lot of them, too.

Anyway, Thank you for your thoughts. I’m getting a lot of encouragement to go and I think my husband is ready to get in the car. I think things could really improve.

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