Since this post is more about my son and what he is currently going through, I’m posting in diagnosed.
His Invega shot started wearing off a week ago. I had them come in and give it to him a day early but it was still too late.
He is having a tough time and I’m having a tough time watching him go through this and there is so little that I can do to help him. I had no idea how bad it was until today when I listened to him open up with his case worker and tell her what he has been experiencing for the past couple of days. His voices/entities are getting closer and closer to him and some of them aren’t being very nice. He has been mentally killing entities, about 7 of them. He thinks they are mentally retarded and doesn’t know what to do with them. Neither do I… They are a jumble of nonsensical words with no feelings or soul and just keep coming.
He is in a lot of emotional pain, pain that I don’t know how to help him with. He wants to move, to leave, to go anywhere where he can feel comfortable. He is even willing to go to the hospital but there is no beds available.
He got some vodka a couple of days ago and honestly I understand, I think more now then ever, the urge or need to self-medicate symptoms. He isn’t looking to get drunk. He is looking for some relief, any relief, from voices that are making him feel like he is going crazy. The vodka isn’t helping and he is willing to throw it away if I can give him something else to help him.
This is the first time that he has reached out to his treatment team (PACT) and asked for help. I can take him to the hospital and sit in emergency all day, knowing that he doesn’t meet the criteria to be admitted or wait for his pdoc to see him tomorrow… Neither option is going to help him today, now. He wants help and we are failing him.
I gave him 200 mg of Trazodone, instead of the prescribed 100 mg, last night and got nicely told by his treatment team not to deviate from how it is prescribed… I reminded them that I was the one that asked for 100 instead of 200 that he was originally prescribed 200. If he needs 200 then that is what I will give him as he needed the down time from his own brain.
I have been through recovering from psychosis with my son before but this time is different. This time it is like he has no defenses. He is lost and struggling. He is not being defiant and he is counting on me to help him think. Maybe this is what needed to happen for him to start to learn to manage this… I hope so.
My heart is breaking for my son right now and by extension for anyone else who is suffering. If I could take away the pain and carry it for him or anyone else, I would. Sorry I’m having an emotional moment…