But with the zyprexa, my benzo helps me more than any other med… But I’ll need it for no one knows how much time… I don’t think I am addicted to it, but i am already dependent, yeap…
But you know, that I only knew the illness for the last 20 years… It’s been the isolation too, almost total, always quite alone too, with very few people around me and never a serious partner 
My ill friends irl had hard time accepting their aps… but they never needed benzos… Me, I easily accepted my ap, but the benzo for me is like the blue pill in the matrix lol 
… for real… But I am different than my friends. I have terrible paranoia and lots of fear and irritability in me, who were stopping me to function. OK, now I know I am ill… I saw how my friends fighted hard their aps… now, I am like them. I suffer, cause I need this benzo
But I have few time left, I need to regain some life faster now, cause I never had it and am almost 40… OK, maybe I am just totally from the unlucky ones, who had this beating till death father and I am sick since kid, no life since kid…
My fear is that no one will love me now if I am on a benzo. All my temporary lovers said to me, that I am a bit dumb to take these meds…
OK, I am sick now… but yeap, I am scared, that no one will love me…
My sister and my mother are bad to me tbh… they think that I’ll be forever alone and sick and say to me to accept it, yeah… fukk it, I had no life never till now!!! They imagine that this will continue? I want to show them smth different one day yeah…
Yeah, I’m in the same boat, I haven’t had a girlfriend in long time and I am on benzos, and I used to be on 40mg of zyprexa. I don’t let it bother me though. Benzos help me sleep and that is what I care about.
In the same time, I made my mom’s life harder… if I didn’t need her for the past years, she would have returned to her country, Russia… she is a foreigner here in bulgaria in fact… She didn’t have a partner for the last 15 years maybe because of me… I should be ashamed by me too maybe…
Am terrible too yeah… she would have had a life if she had no me too… this is the truth… I needed her a lot before and still a bit… she sacrificed her life for me…
Even though, that she can say things, like that I’ll be forever alone and sick or that there’s no pretty schizophrenic women etc etc lol… She also almost wants to stop me from working, I am not able now of this too though, but for more money in my disability, she wants that I am registered there as unable to work and with this, no one ever will hire me…
I dont think its a failure…but I can relate to not wanting to be dependent on anything…I have to remind myself that even tho Im really strong-willed mostly for the bipolar stuff I have to slow down and realize we all have limits, people have to sleep, eat, wake up and function…so if it helps you get thru and you can function without it harming u physically there cant be anything wrong with it tho i hope u feel better.
Thanks 
I’ll try to not live it as a failure, yeap. Yes, the klonopin helps me. I plan to start to function more and more with its help…
Yeap, we all have our limits.
I talked about my mom, you risk to hate her, but she sacrificed her life for me I find too. Even though, that she says terrible things sometimes… maybe, it’s not helping much. She doesn’t believe in me I think or idk… once, she threatened me to take away my civil rights even, when I was at my worst and later, she denied that she said it… terrible… not much help from her, I was even fighting the feeling to not be a human anymore sheesh… and she drowned with me, without to try to get me back in the society, no…
Cool headspark!! Am glad that you are like this I’ll try to do the same, OK…
I share terrible things here, even about my hard mom… I think, that no one needs me here or likes me anymore …
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