It was alright, I mean we covered some ground, got things out in the open, but it didn’t get as far as I had hoped…
But then, maybe my goal was too high for a first session?
anyway, my mom explained the long process she went through before I was even born.
First she was told by friends to get an abortion, and she was gonna do it, if only because it was legal for rape victims to do so, and the thought of raising a ‘monster child’ terrified her.
My Bio dad (gotta find a different word for him) told her it was her choice, he’d support her either way…but encouraged her to think of adoption or even keeping the baby (me).
It was my grandfather who convinced her to not abort, not for religious reasons, but because he said this “You can regret having an abortion, but you can never regret bringing a child into the world, even if you don’t raise that child.”
My mom thought about adoption, a number of times. But she opted to keep me, not because she loved me (at the time she hated me) but because she was afraid if someone else raised me, I’d end up like my sperm donor.
She cried the whole time, and when I was born (after 9 months of kidney stones, high blood pressure, bladder infections, and of course her favorite, a ruptured spleen from a well placed kick…and the 36 hour labor) she saw me, and couldn’t even think of not loving me.
Which is why she has been so depressed and manic since my Diagnosis, she loved me, but she felt like hating me. It wasn’t even really her that wanted to hate me, it was the bi polar she suffers (not sure what type, but she does hear voices, but isn’t SZ or even SZA).
So then I spent an hour (even though the appointment was for two hours we were there for three) talking about how much it hurt me when she started acting that way, and how devastated I was when she started accusing me of doing things I didn’t do.
Her question, before we ended the session, which my Pdoc and her therapist both said I have to answer at the next session, “Will you let me see my grandchildren?”
You see, in order to avoid traumatizing my foster daughters, I have been keeping them away from her, since she has been so volatile…our next session is next Tuesday, by then I have to have an answer…I think it will be yes, but only under strict supervision, at least until she is more stable than she is now…