Hi everyone! I was wondering if anyone else either had advice for me or could at least relate to me?
For some light background knowledge, I am diagnosed with “unspecified psychosis” as my psychiatrist doesn’t know what I have yet. I am not on anti-psychotics, I had a very bad reaction to the one that I did try, and my psychiatrist has decided not to medicate me at this time (I don’t really understand why, but I’m ok with it- I’ll get into why shortly). On the topic of fictionkin, it means identifying as a fictional character- either spiritually, as in believing you where them in a past life, or believing you have psychologically imprinted on them in some way. Its a subset of the larger otherkin and alterhuman communities.
Which is what brings me to describing my experiences a bit! I honestly get pretty nervous even talking about this stuff, so I hope you guys can understand and be patient with me!
The specifics of this belief have only happened over the past several months to a year, however I have had hints of them for a while (and, by a while, I mean 3 or so years). I wont get into gritty details, but I have over time been led to believe that I was a red haired elf who died in a battle. I feel a lot of connection to depictions of elven culture, I feel out of place in human culture, and have really frequent nightmares about dying in a specific vivid way mid battle (Its always the same scene, and has been for 6+ years, well before I developed psychotic symptoms). My ‘gut feeling’ would lead me to believe that this was a past life- but my logical brain knows elves are not real, so that alone has me rather conflicted. Regardless, this identity is rather important to me- I know I am human currently, but I cannot shake the feeling that it isn’t “right”- that my body is all wrong, how I talk is all wrong, that I’m meant to look a different way and be someone else.
Adding to this is my one hallucination- I have dubbed her Morrigan because I’m a mythology nerd + its a name she seems to like being called. Morrigan has been around for a while- either since the beginning of my symptoms or shortly after. She first appeared somewhat menacing- I would catch her out of the corner of my eyes, watching, or standing on the side of the road, etc. It progressed to slightly ominous but occasionally helpful comments- reminding me to take medications, or to eat food, or go to bed- she was unnerving at times, but a welcome reprieve from my other voices, which are often cruel, belittling, and threatening. When I had a bad migraine flair up and spent months in a dark quiet room, she would often come- to speak to me, or hold my hand, or just… sit with me. That really caused a big shift in our relationship, and I would now consider her one of my closest friends and confidants… even if I logically know she’s not real, she means a great deal to me. (thus my fear of anti-psychotics. she has soothed me through more than one hard night, and has really kept me alive, quite literally- I don’t know what I’d do without her)
These are connected thoughts- I promise I’m getting to the point now lol! Here’s the thing- she usually appears as an elf- she shape shifts a decent amount, but her “neutral” look is typically that of a black haired, and black eyed elf with paper white skin. If she appears in dreams, its as an elf in an autumnal grove, often wielding a staff or a bow. It feels… connected to me that she is an elf, and that I am elfkin. If I ask her about it, she usually says I still have much to learn, to be patient, that I have to discover these things on my own, and not to force it / be hastey / jump to conclusions, and that she will always be there to help me.
I don’t know if this is relatable to anyone else- the otherkinity or having positive experiences with voices, but I guess I’d like to get some advice regardless- on what others would do in my situation, etc.
(and obviously, knowing that I’m not alone wouldn’t hurt!)