I am reducing medication 1 pill a month, it should take 14 months in total to be off all meds. My mum and dad are aware of this, that it’s my choice, we are getting power of attorney for me incase things go lopsided. I can no longer trust my mh services but I feel bad for lying to my nurse, I’m honest about my self harm and how I feel. I’ve come off aripiprazole with their awareness. This is something I need to do, my need for coming off meds is both my mh and natural, they’ve made me so unwell physically and since coming off the aripiprazole I no longer slur my words or have constant headaches. I just know I’m fed up with meds, I just need to try, but I’m scared they’re still going to want to change medication, I don’t know if I can tell them.
on my way to a job At the beginning of the week I sprained my ankle badly and as I fell a spy watched me fall, I nearly got hit by a car as I fell in the road, he had to swerve to avoid me, I was only down the hill from a hospital so I was fortunate but I was in shock for a few days. I actually handled it well, I was slightly hysterical but not sobbing and out of control like previously. I was on my own and had to cancel work and get to the hospital when I could barely walk, I still can’t. But I am coping reasonably well apart from nightmares.
I’m setting myself goals for the future, I’m going to get walking again, for years since doing my back in I can only walk where there are seats, just incase I need to sit. I’m setting myself the goal of walking the Santiago de compestela in three years time. I’m starting with swimming and small walks, going to build up, my dad is going to help me train, as I used to long distance walk with him right up to my admission.
All of This is giving me hope of change, I feel a shift in me but there is a lot of anger, I feel resentful to mh services after the Pdoc appointment, the way he treated me made me the most distrustful of services since I was 17. I’ve given up on them I just want to be me. But I don’t know if I’m giving up on myself too? I don’t feel like that I feel the best I have since a good 16 months ago, it’s odd, this space, I feel relief but I’m still experiencing the fear I did before, sensing energies, telepathy, poisoning, spies and voices, but it’s like a weight has been lifted, I’m not fighting myself, I’m an open void.
I’m sorry, I’m rambling now,I don’t know what I want, my parents are proud I’m finally fighting back but I’m betraying my nurse, but not myself, Im just reaching out, I don’t know even where I stand. I am not encouraging people to stop their meds im doing it according to medical guidelines, and I don’t want to be responsible for that so please don’t, this is just where I am, I feel very odd and I don’t know what to think. But I do know I am very alone right now, I am the most isolated I can be. I’m sorry.