I don’t know what to say and how to start with how conflicted I feel.
On the one hand, I feel like I need help. It just seems like the help I want isn’t the help I’d get. Unless I can get people to understand the only way I feel I can actually recover/heal is through housing; to get away from an unhealthy environment that doesn’t feel supportive.
On the other hand, a part of me feels like I can handle what I’m going through or that I can become successful and sort of make my own way out. It just feels like a long, dry painful road and climb up going it alone with little support.
One part of me wants to open up and another part of me wants to stay reserved and quiet.
One part of me wants to use success to help support family. The other wants to leave them in the dust. And partially, because of belief systems out that there suggest it’s not the best thing? Like it’s just enabling or something… Which again, is something I feel conflicted about.
Part of me wants to help heal people, the other feels too deprived of personal desires to waste energy on it. And its just not lucrative.
Part of me wants to get a job so I can get my own space, but other part feels its too painful and even like self-betrayal (which is painful too) - so it’s a big no. But I fret too thinking family won’t be supportive saying that I don’t really need to? To keep me stuck in a place I don’t want to be.
Everything I do throughout the day seems to be painful too: picking out stuff for myself, deciding what to eat/buy at the store, drawing, writing, hobbies, talking…
Part of me hates my sexuality, but the other part wants to be more expressive of it. It’s probably the most painful aspect I’m holding in.
But ultimately, I feel like without a place for myself, I can’t resolve these things. And I know people don’t believe in spiritual stuff… but I use tarot to relay to me how I’m really feeling at times. Because honestly sometimes I don’t know. And the messages they relay tend to be accurate (some frighteningly accurate); there is pain and I’m told that I am too buried in personal work. I shrug, because it’s like I don’t feel like there is much choice but to continue that way.
Getting a job seems to be hard too just getting past applying/talking/interviewing. I had one phone call and it seemed mostly positive, but it was a huge trigger being talked down to - or that’s how it felt. The social barriers feel so excruciating to be in a social work place. And again it feels like lack of support from family adds another abrasive element to it.
I just feel really torn.
And I get that my family isn’t the greatest, but at the same time I don’t want to just like demonize them or something. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m like using them to paint myself like I’m better or something… Idk. It’s another thing that wracks me.