Of course I prefer being “normal” its more pleasant, and I hope I can have more “normal” days without thought disorder or depression.
But there is a colour lacking, an opponent, a mission.
Maybe it’s just negative symptoms.
I hope in the future to find a way to feel alive without being sick. Im in a process right now.
Hobbies! What are your hobbies???
I had a lot of hobbies in the past, fishing, hiking, drawing, writing, but I lost most of them
I hope to regain some of them, just started to read again, and it feels good.
I have been through a lot of hardship the last two years, but I think the worst is over and I definitely want to find new hobbies.
But you can’t find a hobby, it’s the hobby that is finding you 
so i have to wait.
I feel alive when intoxicated by alcohol or opiates, but in the long run it’s no solution. In fact alcohol can make it worse.
I prefer being happy sober, than being “happy” drunk.
If youre happy because you are intoxicated, it is coming from somewhere. When you are happy sober it’s due to your own effort.
Yes, i feel something similar.
In normal days, there is a gray area.
Something is lacking
I only have negative symptoms while on my risperdal. It makes me feel dead too. Sucks.
You couldn’t be more wrong. It offers an escape from reality and as if you are almost floating above your body. One step removed from your true authentic self.
It just so happens that in reality you are depressed and escaping it makes you think and feel that you are alive. Alive in this case means happier, but being alive is acceptance of the now with all its pitfalls and not escaping it.
Read "A new Earth’ by Tolle. It might help you a lot. 
Addiction is never a solution. I do believe if it’s not too unhealthy or if it’s safe you can reward yourself with a relief. I wish I were taught that was an option before I got addicted to things and over did it. I can’t drink safely; actually I never could at all for very long.
I was addicted to the anti-anxiety relief alcohol gave me after the very first sip.
It’s a short term solution though. And it stopped working for me after a year, an arrest, and a hospitalization that was partially due to my alcoholism.
Some people can drink safely but not me.
I can’t think without naltrexone, I’m reliant on my anti drinking medication. It’s an interesting situation if you ask me.
But then you mention opiates, I can’t take those either haha.
Thanks for the recommendation @labratmat
Yes, there is definitely something artificial about being happy because you are intoxicated. It doesn’t come from yourself.
That’s why I said that the best thing is being happy and sober.
Yes @Jonnybegood alcoholism is like “pissing in your pants to keep you warm.”
I’m not a steady addict, but I have frequent relapses, and everytime it is controlled and to a small “degree” but I want to be without the relapses.
I feel that
I don’t trust it to all be good for me
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