The way I look at every obstacle I face is that it is a puzzle I have to figure out. There is a black and white algorithm. This is just the way my brain works. Well for the past 17 years mental illness has been the puzzle I’m trying to figure out. Just when I feel I have it figured out I become symptomatic again. I can have all the insight and knowledge in the world, realizing they are just symptoms. This doesn’t lessen my suffering any. There’s always more to the puzzle. When I encounter someone who I believe can help solve the puzzle I grab on, and I grab on tight. My Borderline traits idealize the person and smother them. Over the years I’ve learned to suppress these traits, but they’re peeking their ugly head again. This desperation to just understand makes me feel like a rat in a cage, despite all my rage. I’m doing this with my PCP. I feel like she gets me. She is compassionate, patient, knowledgable, and honest with me. I desire to show her all of the pieces to my puzzle. I show restraint by not emailing or calling her unless it is important. When I believed I had snakes in my stomach she talked me into going to the ER to have an ultrasound. She thought the delusion was steming from a real physical problem. She knows how to talk to me when I’m symptomatic. My deepest fear is that I will push her away. I need her in my life. She is a major component to my treatment team. She’s not a pdoc but wants to know how I am on the whole, brain and all. She treats me for the multitude of physical effect from taking psych meds for 17 years. How do I fight the urge to suck her dry? Feeling confused. 
I’m glad you have her in your life… having someone who you can trust and who listens and takes you seriously is a stroke of luck.
You posted your concern so well right here… what would happen if you sort of took this idea and let her know that your working on good boundaries and not e-mailing her with every thing and working on trying to get all the puzzle pieces to her without a tidal wave of overwhelming.
I’d say just let her know that you have this tendency and your borderline traits might surface and maybe you and she can work on a solution.
Also let her know how important you feel she is to your recovery team.
I had to learn boundaries with my favorite therapist. I would e-mail and call all the time. She has other clients too… She came up with some ideas here and there that let me cope and learn this skill better.
I’d say, start this discussion. She’s not going to abandon you just because you say your trying to learn healthy boundaries.
It sounds like she cares a lot about you. It’s great when physicians care about you as a person and not just as another patient they have to get through on that day. Is there someone you can bounce an idea off of first, and then go to her for advice? Like a buffering person. Perhaps if you find someone you can go to first, and they can tell you to go to her for her wisdom, or to maybe see a pdoc, or to try to manage on your own, you won’t “suck her dry”, as you said. Make her aware of this fear, and see what she has to say. It seems as if she won’t judge you for feeling this way at all.
I know the feeling that you’re talking about though. At least I think I do. I worry if I am too eager in certain situations I’ll make a person get tired of me and not want to help me anymore. I get like that with my mom a lot of the time.
@SurprisedJ and @elizabeth those are excellent suggestions. Thank you so much! I think I will print out what I wrote and read it to her. I just had an appointment with her yesterday and because I had just seen her I get the urge to bombard her with what I’m going through or my past. I guess I should work on those traits in therapy. 