Fearful Thoughts

I have improved greatly in recent months but fear that some of the improvements have a negative aspect to them. I don’t have the negative memories constantly repeating in my head anymore which has improved my outlook on life. My mind has also slowed down which makes me able to rest it better. Unfortunately a more forgetful and slower mind could be a sign of cognitive problems. I also worry about my lack of initiative. When I think about getting back into a more normal life on the workplace I fear going back on the sleep meds in an abusive manner like I previously did. On the other hand I fear the usual “is that it? is that all?” thinking along the lines that I have retired from life and no accomplishments lie in the future. I have an excuse to not work from my doctor and it concerns me that I’m not more upset about it and don’t feel like challenging it at all. It’s like the fighter within me is gone and has been replaced by a bum who watches the Sun rise and set every day and I am a little too content about it. I hope my motivation returns before I die because while it’s been necessary to quit working in order to recover it’s a shame to ponder retirement as my 47th birthday approaches.

Harry Haller, the protagonist of SteppenWolf, is a 48 year old schizophrenic who comforts himself with the idea that at 50 he’ll allow himself to kill himself. Then, he meets a beautiful young woman, and the adventure begins.

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Try to focus on what YOU need in order to feel fulfilled and happy.

Trying to live up to the one-size-fits-all expectations of society is an uphill route.

Living is in itself an accomplishment - for everyone. Anything you add to that is seasoning and spice.

Make your own recipe to suit your own taste!

A thought I’ve been entertaining is being a volunteer, rather than a worker. Even just the word itself (volunteer) immediately makes me feel better about the idea.

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I probably stayed out of the Psych Ward by being a volunteer but it helped to have my parents support me while I was doing it. The toughest part was meeting women I couldn’t hook up with and having people not understand why because I was afraid to tell the truth about my schizophrenia (stigma), why I couldn’t drive, and why I lived with my Mom at an advanced age. It was eating me up inside to have to keep my secrets to myself which essentially were the defining things of my life at the time. I broke some hearts rather than communicate about the truth just because I was afraid that if the word leaked out I would never work again. The part I didn’t like about volunteer work is that I received no credit from Social Security for what was almost a decade of work and had to stay on SSI. When I became a VISTA volunteer they didn’t believe I had schizophrenia. I guess it was because I didn’t smoke. So I was officially designated as not disabled. They actually paid me for 3 years of work but once again there was no credit from Social Security. I seriously believe that policy should be changed.

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I can’t even disclose that I have ASD without expecting immediate prejudiced (and illogical) thinking. I don’t smoke, but I enjoy the effects of nicotine if and when I do. I’m just waaaay too hypersensitive to the smell and taste. You’ll read this a lot from me, but IF I HAD MONEY, I’d consume nicotine mindfully … in ways that don’t involve combustion.

The stigma of the association between nicotine and cigarettes is completely diluting the POSITIVE benefits nicotine has in various domains of cognitive function. We have nicotinic receptors for a reason - and I guarantee you that the receptors didn’t manifest AFTER cigarettes came to be.

Unfortunately a more forgetful and slower mind could be a sign of cognitive problems.

Nah, it’s just the meds. My mind is slower now and I’m thankful for that.