Hello all, (I am new, new to a new counselor for SZ treatment, and still figuring it all out)
Truthfully, I don’t really have anyone to talk to and it feels good to type. And just to be heard and have a place. Thanks for that. You don’t have to reply, just thanks for letting me have a place to vent a little. I’m very lonely these days. And I’ve spent literally 18 months feeling like God was talking to me, and only two weeks feeling like it could maybe be in my head, and that is also a very lonely and new and scary place to try and balance all alone. Because not it just sucks twice as bad. Not God talks to me AND I’m crazy. Awesome. What fun webs to mentally untangle at $200 an hour with a specialist sigh …
I feel so sad all the time.
So today’s thing. And today could have been stirred up by some other things as it was my also 2nd session with my new therapist, but today was a BLOWUP day for family stuff, regardless.
Backstory. My family is and has always been dysfunctional in every way possible. Literally every way. (born to a 17-year-old mother, who was a victim of incest, her mother went to jail for murder at one point, I was sexually abused, my mother married 5 times, stepfather had an affair and gave a kid up for adoption, step-step mother does drugs 24/7, bio-dad died from alcoholism at 41 in front of me 3 days after I met him, I was sex trafficked at 13, I lost a baby at 24, I went to juvenile hall from 13-14 and lived in a group home from 15-18 - whatever, there’s more, but literally - everything. My whole life has been pain. And yeah, yeah be positive and look on the bright side and people have it worse and yes - all that is true. But my ■■■■ has sucked too. And sometimes I just want to sit with that and not feel quilty that it’s not the worst of the worst of the worst (which I am also cosmically aware of, which makes so much as wasting food psychologically difficult for me as it brings up a god/hell/pergotory/sin issue for me/my illness).
So today. And quick backstory on my stepmother. I hate her. I dislike every single thing about her as a person and as a human being. Out of all humans on this planet she is the one I would like to spend the least amount of time with. But it is what it is and family and you suck it up and whatever.
So I invite my dad, my stepmom and their 19-year-old daughter over for dinner via text - around 11:30AM today. My stepmother replies with the suggestion that we have dinner at her house tomorrow instead. You passive aggressive ■■■■. Plan your own dinner party. But don’t hijack mine by making it your dinner, at your house with your food. SHUT UP. I HATE YOU.
So I text back - No thank you and hold my own on dinner at my house - decline or accept, but I am cooking and eating this tonight at MY home. I’m 41 - stop competing with me. So they show up for dinner, but my 19-year-old kid sister (my stepmother’s daughter) doesn’t’ come. And I’m PISSED. Because she has a food allergy and I had cooked special food for her, and this was discussed on the family text thread with ALL of us. Which means that Ellie, my sister, knew that I went to the store special for her and cooked special for her, and then she didn’t bother to show up or text me to communicate with me. And this isn’t the 1st time she’s done this.
I lost it. I was livid. I went off on my parents for allowing their daughter to behave so inconsiderately. And then it ALL came up with my resentments against my stepmom and now everyone is fighting.
I feel like I am always the one causing problems in the family, but that it’s because I don’t just shut up and take it. Maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I see that as living a lie. Forgetting. Moving on. Looking the other way. Putting my head in the sand. Maybe I don’t want to live that way with my pain so that you don’t have to do the difficult work of looking at your actions and how they affect other people. Hpw about one of you c*********s say sorry to me for a change for your ■■■■■■■ behavior. Why is it always my problem.
Sorry I sound so hateful tonight.
Be well, Mollie