Facing the cold hard truth

My brother is right - sometimes I deny that I have a severe mental illness - so it seems.
I try to blend in with all of the other Neurotypicals - I try to fit in a “Normal” world.
I will sometimes tell others that I am doing well - that Im doing great, but the cold truth is that I am not doing so great.

I came to the realization that I am disabled, I need help from others - i am not fully independent and that I will never be able to pass as a Neurotypical - this world is just too crowded, too loud and to fast paced for me.

My current psychiatrist DXed me with bipolar, but my last diagnosis was schizoaffective - I am too paranoid and too reclusive to have bipolar, I know very well that I have many schizophrenic symptoms mixed in with my bipolar mood states - I am fooling myself to think that I have pure classic bipolar, because I dont. Schizoaffective fits me perfectly.

Whatever my diagnosis - I struggle, I isolate, I am chronically depressed and am always anxious and paranoid.
I have come to the realization that I will always be dependent on others in some way or another.
My future living arrangements are an issue for me - i am too paranoid to live with others and too paranoid to live by myself.

Ive come a long way, there was a time where I barely left my house - now things are a bit better, but the truth is that I will never be 100 percent - not even close. :confused:

The biggest mind trap a person which happened to be not so perfect can fell into is comparing to the others. And we never compare to the ones that are in any sense lower than us although it would give a much healthier perspective of the self image.

You are doing the best you can in this moment. And you are trying even more. I have a feeling that you’re even breaking the frame.
Last days I went from crazy hyperactivity to the desparate immobility. In the eyes of random passengers it looks like the matter of choice.But we know that there are hella lot of things that need to be accepted only and only by ourselves.

Please don’t call yourself disabled.

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Thank you @sarad for your kind and wise words - I really needed that - been pretty down lately

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Its just that I understand a frustration of being forced to be dependent even partially of someone else.Don’t let your minds go that way.
oh so you have a child but have no permanent job
oh dear its so sad
Well ■■■■ off you righteous bigots.

I don’t even like your brother’s attitude.

Take care. :heart:

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If your future living arrangements are an issue, you should decide what to do and act upon the decision. We tend to think things through too thoroughly, understanding both sides of every question and then find we can’t act. For me, that is negative symptoms. Weigh the pros and cons of being alone or being with people. Write them down and see which side wins. You are fortunate to be able to have such a choice. Living arrangements are one of the three most important situations we will find ourselves in: a roof over our heads, enough to eat, clothing. Once it is settled you will have time to consider other things not as important.
I wouldn’t quibble about a Dx unless you feel yours is harming you.

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Hey wave. Sending you good vibes.

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Part of our selves “IS” OK while a part of us is wounded in a way that we need help from others with. Something’s wrong with some part of me but I’m still OK. but it is starting to ware me out.

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Life is a struggle. Maybe tomorrow you will do a couple things a little better and not feel this way so much. I have faith in you @wave. Maybe tomorrow you will be happy for a day, or two, or three. And then there’s the inevitable wall we all hit…whether you’re bi-polar, schizoaffective, or schizophrenic. We just need to learn to develop routines that suit us best. For me it’s work, school, taking my meds, not drinking too much (coffee or alcohol), putting a clock in my room :laughing:, etc…, etc…

One day I will master this terrible illness as best as I could whatever I have. But there will still be struggle…Whether it be bi-polar, schizo-affective (probably) or schizophrenia. With anxiety to go along with it.

I’ve made my regrets and wish it could be different but I’m learning to live in the moment.

I hope you feel better. GL. :\

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You may not be doing great, and thats ok - but its impossible to know if you will ever been “100%” (whatever that is).

I think its probably good to acknowledge that you aren’t doing great - and thats OK, I’ve never really met anyone who is always doing “great”. For everyone - its variable.

But to say that you will never be “100%” - is probably not helpful, and may cause depression and hoplessness. Of course - if you look it as I’ll never be perfect, and nobody is perfect - and thats OK - then its more helpful.

But I suspect you think that some neurotypicals are “100%” or “perfect” - and if you’re predicting the future and saying you’ll never be as good as a neurotypical (again - whatever that means) then thats probably not helpful.

Just focus on the near term and understand that nobody can predict the future, and it doesn’t help to try.

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I do realize that no one is perfect

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“hella”

Only one place in N Calif. that uses that word…

Oh, lets mock the foreigners using the privilege of native white ass English speaker.
How cool is that :unamused:

I agree - and I’ve heard “hella” all over the place.

Anyway - we’re off topic. Lets try to get back on-topic.