Hello, my name is Lucas. I’ve recently been coming to terms with my disorder. For the longest time I would pretend I am fine and nothing’s wrong. Well, that couldn’t have been any more of a lie, a lie I was telling myself. Recently, I opened up to a few friends about my disorder. I have no family to speak of. My friends have been receptive and supportive, a huge relief. Although, I had expected to feel less fear and relief when I opened up, all I feel is more fear, more worry, and afraid that I will be an outcast.
I have Schizophrenia and paranoia. I hear voices external to myself daily. Usually calling to me, sometimes telling me to do things. I also have this debilitating fear that people are working against me, out to get me, hurt me, etc. I often become afraid when I’m invited out that people are plotting to hurt me. I become so afraid, I haven’t left my house in 3 months except to get groceries and to see the doctors, even that takes time to work up the courage. It’s difficult for me, I’m always afraid, living in fear. It physically hurts. I’m also afraid of waves from the ocean; I have nightmares about them, I have fear of sexual abuse as a result of my childhood past, and I also fear being followed.
My paranoia is very hard to deal with. When things become difficult in my life I become panicked. All I want to do is hide from the world and let things go away. I’ve lost many friends this way and also missed out on lots of life’s opportunities too. I’m not dumb. In fact I have a higher degree from a university. But that doesn’t change that I am controlled from within.
I try to get jobs, but I became terrified of people at work, I always think they are talking behind my back, following me, out to hurt me. Also, even if I’m one minute late to work, I become so afraid of what will happen when I arrive, I go home instead and hide. I lose jobs a lot. So now I’m on SSI.
I have not faced my problems openly until recently when I finally, after a bunch if internal arguments, realized that I’m only hurting myself more. So far, one of my friends seems to want nothing to do with me. Other then that, the others I’ve told have supported me.
So, I’m facing this alone, here, now and for real. I have no family left, they disowned me when I was younger. I’m educated, I’m smart, but society sees me as a potential threat and potential monster. I’m very afraid of what’s next. I’m mostly alone. But most of all, I’m afraid of my own shadow.
I hope, in some measurable way, I can find even a sliver of hope in my dark world by telling perfect strangers my darkest secrete and fears.