Schizophrenia.com

Facing my reality

#1

Hello, my name is Lucas. I’ve recently been coming to terms with my disorder. For the longest time I would pretend I am fine and nothing’s wrong. Well, that couldn’t have been any more of a lie, a lie I was telling myself. Recently, I opened up to a few friends about my disorder. I have no family to speak of. My friends have been receptive and supportive, a huge relief. Although, I had expected to feel less fear and relief when I opened up, all I feel is more fear, more worry, and afraid that I will be an outcast.

I have Schizophrenia and paranoia. I hear voices external to myself daily. Usually calling to me, sometimes telling me to do things. I also have this debilitating fear that people are working against me, out to get me, hurt me, etc. I often become afraid when I’m invited out that people are plotting to hurt me. I become so afraid, I haven’t left my house in 3 months except to get groceries and to see the doctors, even that takes time to work up the courage. It’s difficult for me, I’m always afraid, living in fear. It physically hurts. I’m also afraid of waves from the ocean; I have nightmares about them, I have fear of sexual abuse as a result of my childhood past, and I also fear being followed.

My paranoia is very hard to deal with. When things become difficult in my life I become panicked. All I want to do is hide from the world and let things go away. I’ve lost many friends this way and also missed out on lots of life’s opportunities too. I’m not dumb. In fact I have a higher degree from a university. But that doesn’t change that I am controlled from within.

I try to get jobs, but I became terrified of people at work, I always think they are talking behind my back, following me, out to hurt me. Also, even if I’m one minute late to work, I become so afraid of what will happen when I arrive, I go home instead and hide. I lose jobs a lot. So now I’m on SSI.

I have not faced my problems openly until recently when I finally, after a bunch if internal arguments, realized that I’m only hurting myself more. So far, one of my friends seems to want nothing to do with me. Other then that, the others I’ve told have supported me.

So, I’m facing this alone, here, now and for real. I have no family left, they disowned me when I was younger. I’m educated, I’m smart, but society sees me as a potential threat and potential monster. I’m very afraid of what’s next. I’m mostly alone. But most of all, I’m afraid of my own shadow.

I hope, in some measurable way, I can find even a sliver of hope in my dark world by telling perfect strangers my darkest secrete and fears.

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#2

Welcome to the forum. I’m sure you’ll discover here that you are not alone. There is a lot of highly intelligent people like yourself on this forum that will give you good insight on your fears. I’m sure you’ll find it insigtfull.

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#3

HI,
You wrote"I hear voices external to myself daily"
Here some questions:
1-are you hear to more than single voice?
2-In the case,if you close your ears,are you hear the voices external to yourself too ?
3-The accent of voices are male or female ?
4-If someone tell you,you hear to the voice of your mind
because there is no any external person talking to you,
so what is your answer ?
thanks

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#4

Sound all so familiar. You find that many people react positively, if you just tell your story. There is nothing to be shamed of. My paranoid sz started in the U.S.A. in 1998, when I was a Green Card holder and had some intention of becoming the U.S. citizen, and I could not talk about my issues openly, because there are some criteria in the U.S. citizenship applications, where they request the info of any mental treatments. Eventually I moved back to the city of Finland where I was born and never became the U.S. citizen. Sometimes people may become scared of one who has very paranoid thoughts, but then there are people such as Andy Grove, the former CEO of Intel Corp, who said ‘only paranoids survive’, I suppose he was one of those holocaust survivors. Cheers!

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#5

Paranoia is one of the manifestations of SZ and not a separate phenomenon in itself
-whatever the Sz story detail,the voices entities are the main motor of the Sz scenarios
-Sz is a product of influence of one essential factor" what so-called the voices"
-after the starting of Sz,schizophrenic individual makes his own history
in hard inner conditions that did not arise by his choice
-biology and culture are cease in the moment of Sz onset,which it seeks to
withhold the real knowledge about the mind of the schizophrenic individual
-a series of amendments imposed on the culture of mind through succession of
bilateral dialogue with the voice entities,and he must be adapted for it
or he will perish culturally,cognitively and behaviorally !
-whatever the paranoia story,it is the product of the mutual dialogue with
the voice entity,and the apprehension culture is the product of the bilateral talking
more than the talking with own mind

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#6

Hi Lucus, I received my diagnosis three years ago. I too have been socially withdrawn for some time and then try to connect to people again. The first two years post psychosis are the most difficult. It is really a lot of pain and fear. It is so uncomfortable to live with this disorder and leave my old life forever. But I find the symptoms could go away. And my brain function could become more proper again. Your present reality might not be permanent.

I understand that the paranoid is really disturbing. Maybe you can work on it with therapist and psychiatrist before considering employment. The outside world might be more neutral than you perceived it right now. There is in fact people who will give u chance and help u through out there. A few months ago people in this forum told me so and so far this is what I experienced. U can expect some progress. There is hope to live a better life.

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