Extremely Depressed (Trigger Warning)

DX'd - Other
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It’s immobilizing. I can’t even start to write because of all the negative or fearfulness that lurks behind my thinking. I become much more introspect during this time. I also become more depressed. I tried to start making a yearly conscious effort before this time. So I continue that pattern of preparation. I always do become this way. Next year I’ll be 26 and I have a lot of important life-changes ahead of me. One is whether or not I should start working or get on disability considering I am so BIPOLAR. It’s like this, I get overwhelmed and tapped out when I make efforts like this. How do I explain it? DOPAMINE and serotonin contribute in higher amounts to higher intelligence, but if your brain is pumping out these chemicals at a faster rate, then exhaustion comes about easier. It’s hard to explain this to ANYONE. I could work my ass off and then become compulsive or impulsive…I don’t even have the right label.

I’m a bit scared. This is why. I have a chronic disease that could be getting worse over time and I do not have any biological cures for this. I’m angry. I am getting really frustrated. My moods and thoughts are changing radically. They could be condensing and I dont want them to condense if I dont know what I am yet. I smoked too much weed and IDK if I rotted my brain but so far so good I have not noticed any drastic shifts other than a bit of a haze I’m not as sharp as I used to be. My short term memory sucks.

I might get on stimulants or something. Getting new doctor…

I’m suicidal. I mean not like I want to be or having intrusive thoughts, I just FEEL LIKE hurting myself because of how messed up I am. I’m doing ok, but SOCIALLY not so well. Offhand comments about my gained weight or looks are breaking me down, like this girl said I would be a hypocrite if I was a nutrionist because I’m not fit or in shape.

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I didn’t get to read much because my eyes are jumpy but I can say this:
You shouldn’t let those people put you down. You are who you are and no one can take that from you.
You deserve life, and thats final.

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Just trying to overcome the depression.

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Letting out your feelings are a good thing to do. You’re in a good place to discuss. You are among friends.

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Thanks yeah I know well a lot of us hit the blues around winter/fall.

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You’ve got completely different issues then I’m dealing with but I think solidarity helps. Quit worrying about what people think of you that’s key for everybody. If they talk ■■■■ they ain’t worth talking to. Just gotta ride the storm out and focus on what makes you happy. If you wanna be a nutritionist go for it don’t let superficial things hold you down. Socializing at least quality socializing doesn’t come easy for anyone. Some people are just stupid and fit into the norm so easily. Anycase man you gotta work to master your brain. Your pretty young still just imagine how much better adjusted you’re gonna be in 5 years if you work at it. Smile man this site is a good place you found a rock to stand upon. I use it everyday to escape my problems. Anyways your gonna be just fine. I’m glad you’re reaching out.

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I have always been at different levels of depression - right now, I am cycling up and down but its pretty subtle usually - but my depression can dive down pretty deep at times then I will bounce back up to my baseline depression then back down deeper again. All I can say to you is there are treatments for depression - I cannot take typical antidepressants because of the kind of bipolar I have, so I rely on my daily low doses of Lamictal to get me through.
Get the help you need to function - yes the right meds help. Wishing you well - take care of yourself

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I never do like winters, personally. I have a bad time during winters.
Especially those evil kerosene heaters.

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Are you currently smoking weed? I mean like in the past week or month?

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That is a good question… Weed will ■■■■ with your chemistry.

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Hang in there man. Where did you find out that higher dopamine leads to higher intelligence? I’ve never heard that. Do you have a source?

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Are you taking antidepressants. Sometimes they will make a big difference in the way you see everything.

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I don’t know where it’s coming from either but I like the sound of it.

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I hope you can work it out with your psychiatrist about what meds you might need some sprucing up med wise?

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I’m not THAT depressed. I get creeped out usually when I post on this forum so I don’t post much anymore. I was without internet for a month because I broke my computer cord, but I hadn’t been online much.

I feel like writing a book. Weed unblocks my creativity that’s why I used to smoke.

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hello starry night very much put into words how I feel right now. your not alone. lifes really really hard u have a mental illness huge gugsxxxxxxlol I mean HUGS. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!

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Hey Starrynight~~
Writing a book would be great!
Hope by today you are feeling better. Bryan is right-you are young and this is just a bad day.
What do you want to write a book about?**

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I’m not sure completely. I could write a memoir but I want to write something more fictional and challenge myself as a writer.

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No I don’t take anti-depressants I want to but I dont really have a way to reach a psychiatrist right now. I was put on same-day sick, and am transitioning to a new practice but they have no returned two voicemails to schedule.