If you look at the length of this post and feel waste of time to read, you can read straight from the middle part (below the - - - - - - - sign), otherwise you are free to go. But before you go, I really want to shortly give you a point of view for the life that I feel it is really right for me, so don’t be same like me: Guys, in your life, you should try to be in a good manner, if you don’t, God will know and will force you to suffer some things, soon or later. Some people call it Karma and I m not sure is this the right words (English is not my native). But guys, I believe in this, and I totally deserve this current situation. So guys, don’t be like me, try to be good in your life. You will get happy and lucky sooner or later, if the result not happen at your current life, if can happen at a time…not in your current life, but it WILL happen. Now you (who don’t have time) are free to go. And thank you for your times.
Hi guys, thank for the rest staying with me.
I been bad manner in my young ages and now I have to suffer this horrible situation, I will tell you why that I believe there are something that we can not explain, but I believe it is exist for fews very CLEARLY evidences. I don’t know what the right word to call it. God, Spirituality, Ghost, Esoteric or… I don’t know. But it will be another post. This post is only for me to ask for a way out of my situation, hopefully in a modern science aspect like psychology or biology…
I m possibly one of the poorest guy on earth. I suffer from Schizophrenia about 10 years ago, possibly biggest reason is from about 4 years of drug abuse. For that period, I heavy used cannabis (whole 4 years), and also heavily MDMA in some of last months of this period. I believe stucked in drug abuse is also a way God force me to suffer for reason that I been bad manner at my young ages. I m so unlucky that I living alone in the whole period. ( Imagine when you get addicted and you living alone… well, nothing worst) So no one could help me out the situation. But little lucky, that dark period have an incident to stop, because my parents finally find out the situation. (A day that I get paranoid to such an degree that I really feel a lot of people are secretly spying me, and someone gonna kill me. I even broke the window of a poor household, trying to call police to help. When they come and found out I paranoided, they send me the mental health, and then my parents know it since that days)
Now is the main part, sorry for long writing (but I really want to share my story)
My current state is horrible. But I consider it mostly belong to the Negative Syndrome of Schizophrenia. ( I don’t have any Positive Syndrome anymore long time ago).
The biggest problem is the way I talk (It called by the term “Alogia” in Negative syndrome) The voice when I speak out is very very unstable. I try to visualize my situation by that drawing. The sentence “That guy was great” is an example of my speak.
When I m in public situation, or when I feel there are peoples stand close enough to hear what I will say…(STATE B), I will speak with a very very shaking, trembling, nervous voice. I don’t need to describe more since I believe you all can understand what situation I mean. But recently, I realize something that I consider is the “light at the back of the tunnel” for my life.
This is the thing I found: Everytime I feel I m in a condition that I consider safe, easy, calm…. for example inside my family (talk with my parent, or my brother, my sister…), my voice suddenly stable in a surprising way for me. Ofcourse it is not as good as average people (since the damage of the drugs, the damage of Schizophrenia to my brain) but to get up to this much of stable is way too lucky for me. Also another way I can achieve this stable is to drink a little bit alcohol few minutes before. Then, WOW, achieve reasonable stable again. I ask my self why the hell I don’t I realize this sooner. It mean that my brain is not damaged too much, damaged to such as degree that I can NEVER speak in a STABLE way. No, it is not. I CAN speak in a stable way. But… Well. Now is mr BUT.
But I can only achieve that stable voice once I meet 1 in 2 condition above. (STATE C) Well. That is hard. I think I would need some magic way to TRICK my mind that the social situation is safe, is calm… like my prefer situation (STATE C)
Another visualize I try to draw to describle my ideas to respond any question, any communication circumstance. But I don’t need to describe more since I believe you guys can all understand once you look at the draw.
Very similar to the previous problem. When social situation, I feel mostly nervous so my brain can not concentrate to think to many ideas. But when I m in comfortable situation, seen like my brain can able to works, so I just producing ideas like normal healthy people (not as much as them and as good as them, but the result is far more better than I m in nervous situation.)
That is all purposes of my post. What I need now simply is a way to trick the mind, or a medicine to help my brain working like it is in a favor situation.
Is this hard? Or is this a method that current medicine science haven’t got any solution? Guys, please give me some thoughts.
Thank you a lot for spending time hearing my story.