Everything came crashing down today

DX'd - Other
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I was working so hard. I made it through the work week. My first week bat at work and then everything fell apart today. Today it really it. My cousin is gone. He was only 24 and hes gone. He’ll never get to teach my son how to skate, he’ll never be able to show off his instruments and show him how to play, nor will he share his music with him. He’s gone and I never got to give him a last hug or tell him how much I loved him.

And I have to fight my old habits and thought processes so hard so I dont fall down the dark hole again. My brain says to regain control I should blame it on myself. Become delusional and say it must have been because of me that he died. Because then at least theres something to blame.

I dont even know how he died they havent said. I judt know hes gone.

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I’m sorry your cousin died. It’s hard when’s someone close passes. I still think sometimes about my gma, and she passed away almost 20 years ago.

I don’t resorting to blaming yourself is what your cousin wanted. I think he wanted you to be an amazing mom for your son!

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Im trying to be but I dont think Im doing a very good job.

I think I was really delusional when I ever thought that I could be even a semblance of a good mom. Im trying so hard and yet their are cetain old habits that I’m falling into and I know they dont make me a good mom

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I want to run away. The sick part of me says that everybody would be better off. The logical part says that isnt true. The sick part says the logical part is wrong. That I am the cause of suffering even if its through supernatural means. The logical part says that isnt sound and makes no sense. The sick part says what if?

Constant constant constant constant constant constant constant fighting. It hurts my head. Feel as though I’m being ripped in two.

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Wish I could just cut myself in two and leave the sick part behind.

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I need to set a reminder. Sometimes I forget my meds and then I think its fine. Whatever. Its not whatever. This happens

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Deeply sorry for loss of your cousin. It shows you cared a lot for him and he brought lots of good stuff into your life and your son. It is ok to grive such a precious loss.

@NeoPolitan02 it is intresting how you see the fight inside your brain. I never thought of it that way. I also feel sometimes that my life can make other peoples life miserable.I strive the best I can, but it never occured to me to split my thoughts between healthy parts of brain and unhealthy ones. But I also feel there’s a split somewere.

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I have a theory that thats actually how my psychosis developed. I’m not actually sz or anything. I have ptsd with psychotic symptoms. In order to make sense of the world I created delusions that recolved around me being the cause of peoples suffering. But I also still recognized that it didnt make sense so I developed hallucinations that basically made those illogical parts physicall and “easier” to deal with. Because they were external rather than internal. Now I’m able to just recognize its mind trying to cope.

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It is intresting somehow I feel I have PTSD not sz. But I can not convince the pdocs.

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May i ask why you think their diagnosis might be wrong. Feel free to say no

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Im deeply sorry for your loss, condolences and look after yourself

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Every time you get on here and make a thread it is doom and gloom.

I realized your cousin passed and that is very sad,

But you’re a mom now.

You can’t pass this energy to your baby.

Not to be mean,

But pull your ■■■■ together.

There’s no room for this in your life.

You’re a mother.

To a newborn child.

Seriously, you have said nothing positive about your experience.

And you had a baby!

If you’re not handling it well,

You may need to consider that work isn’t for you.

It seems to stress you out immensely.

I’d check into disability and have parents/family watch the baby for a little bit while you get some rest and work on you.

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Why do you think I post and vent on here? So that I’m not passing it on to my son. So that I can stay strong for my son. I post on here when he is sleeping. When he is awake I put on the bravest face I can because I know thats what he needs. I have literally cried in feont of my son once for less than a minute. So dont you come here and say I’m doom and gloom in a place that I use to vent for support.

And Ihave had positive things here thank you very much. Just because you dont remember them doesnt mean they arent there. I’m sorry that you only see one part of my life. Im sorry that I’m trying ro use my resources. If you dont want to see amy negativity then why dont you leave and quit looking at my posts.

I seriously debated not posting because I was worried you would repsond. You make me nervous to post because you treat me as if I’m not allowed to feel bad. As I’ve said I post here and be upset here, and look for help here because I can’t do that with my son.

Trust me I am fully aware he needs me and I am doing what I can for him. So could you just ■■■■ off and leave me alone. I dont need you reminding me of how shitty I am

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Everyone else was just feeling sorry for you.

I gave you advice.

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Other people gave me advice too and I dont think they were just “feeling sorry for me” they were offering condolences so dont you dare go and minimize other people for trying to help. Frabkly I find their condolences and advice much more helpful than your “just get your ■■■■ together” you assume at my private life and act like you know what I do offline.

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Whatever.

Keep doing what you’re doing I guess.

Seems to be working out great.

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So I should do as you suggest? Bottle it all up? Not mention anything negative, in real life or here? Because Im simply not supposed to do that? Believe me I am working on myself and I’m trying to forge past everything and I will admit Im not always super great at it but to oush others down and basically say they should just get over it isnt ok

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Calm down.

I was trying to help.

It was harsh, but it was help.

I just feel like you could benefit from a break.

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I think it’s okay if you take some time off of work. It’s not cool the degree to which you’re suffering! But if you do take time off work, do you know how to relax? Do you know how to take care of yourself?

Edit: I didn’t know you can’t take time off because of demands

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Not all of us can afford a break. I know I post on here but im not technically ill enough to recieve disability. Things happened to have really shitty timing with my cousin passing on my first week of work back. But I need to work and im sorry that Im not exactly up to your impeccable standards.