Every once in awhile

Every once in awhile I become obsessed with schizophrenia. When the point where the delusions have taken over my reality and I can no longer glimpse the horizon beyond my mind, I suddenly wake up and remember I have a mental illness. Than I obsess trying to figure out why this happens to me, why I must face life in two worlds, why the songs I hear are no longer songs and the stories no longer are just for entertainment. Why I am something greater than just a person living there life, but rather a person who is greater than any one should be. It is than through the music and movies about this illness that I escape, just to feel normal, as if someone could relate to what I go through. I understand that there are others but each varies and no matter how hard I try to explain, my story will always be different than everyone else’s, because all stories are different. So how am I to escape? Is it not enough to just want to fade away into my delusions and live in one realm of consciousness since I know that they are never going away. But than again the real world never goes away either. So every once in awhile I want to be normal, just to remember what that is… Just to feel like, every once in awhile, that it will be ok…


For most of my life I have minimized my involvement with the everyday business of actual existence. I’ve lived in a dream world. In my case, I have taken it to the point where I want to invest very little of myself in the real world. I am in a situation where I can allow people to have little to expect of me. When they do have expectations I just kind of let it roll off my back. I miss out a lot because of that strategy, but it’s gotten to where I am so comfortable with my routine that I don’t want to change.

I think it is a great therapy just to feel detached from experience, be it that of the “real” world or that of delusions, it’s hard to get to that state though, I do it mainly through meditation and it helps me a lot to stay just half an hour or so listening to my breath or focusing on my bodily sensations without rushing or feeding them. It can be really grounding.

Sometimes it’s the rush that makes us feel bad, if you just try to focus on one thing, without jumping to the next, even if they’re related, that bad eventually vanishes from your attention and you’re left contemplating whatever you’re turning your attention to. Even a sense of self vanishes, which is one of the things that can most cause us pain. If we forget we exist while doing something, there is no one to feel bad about the crap in our life.