Well I’m on my own path now. My experience is far removed from that of anyone I know aside from other people who think they are thought broadcasters. I think many of them don’t receive messages like I do. I wouldn’t believe it if it wasn’t this persistent thing that happens in my mind. I still don’t really believe it. I still really don’t want to believe it but that doesn’t stop it from happening. Doesn’t stop my mind from going there, doesn’t stop my mind from treating it like it’s real.
It’s a duality. Whether it’s real or not impossible to trust. They might want to do this to me, they might be lying. At the same time I say that I know I can trust them, and that this will be a thing of the past eventually.
I’m either stopping my psychotic symptoms or learning to not trigger telepathic communication. It’s pretty weird, it feels like both.
I’ve started to think to myself, and when I don’t address them they don’t bother me.
I kind of like what I’m becoming. It kind of resembles that which I was before I went sz but more refined and wiser. Cleaner in a lot of ways and less impulsive.
I used to just let my mind go wild but now it feels like they are watching. Their interjections make it impossible to access the infinite possibility thought matrix. A place I used to dwell within. You start to learn about the limits of the real world and a lot of the hypotheticals break down.
At least the observations and insights I come to now have real applications.
There is so much more that I know about the mind then before I went sz. I am only now coming to the point where I can control it. Opting for passive silence and patience over any kind of thoughtspeech.
It’s kind of ■■■■■■. Maybe they don’t hear my thoughts but I certainly can. I want them to flow righteously to the situation. They have to otherwise I feel like I’ve failed in some way.
Passive silence is the ultimate tool. Choosing to focus on what’s going on instead of rationalizing to come to some sort of clever or advantageous point.
I have always lacked the edge that some people have of being witty or one step ahead. In my mind though I do well to keep up with what’s going on. I just don’t care to play that game. I’d rather be inoffensive.
Well it’s been a long journey for me, I always thought I’d eventually adapt. I’m starting to have moments of control and understanding. Moments of peace.
Sz has opened my eyes to different realities and perspectives on the nature of the human or specifically the self. I’ll never know how anyone else thinks, but for once I’m starting to be happy with myself as a whole person. Thoughts and all.
I’m not the most clever or witty, but I understand and have an intuitive sense about things. Very seldom do I feel I’m in the dark.
Well this is a rather long post already by my standards. Just here alone at 130 am felt like writing and reporting my progress.
So yeah life is good again and all that. Learned a lot of lessons. Still kind of held back by my symptoms, but I don’t have to do anything for a couple more years. I just get to relax sort things out and get over this stupid illness, unless they are telepaths…
Every day I grow closer to becoming the ideal person I have envisioned after crashing head first into this telepathic unreality. I don’t know if it’s enlightenment but it’s the closing thing I can imagine.
I’m gonna have to eventually pull a jukebox and free myself of the vices that I fill my time with. I think that is all that classical enlightenment is. Freeing yourself from the cycle of consumption a and craving. Learning to live in the moment without distraction. Opening yourself to the capacity to really feel reality as it unfolds without the ties to past or future.
Peace to you all, look forward to chatting with you.