Last night was a bad night… spiders everywhere. Couldn’t sleep well because I was sure they were on me. Tactile hallucinations through the roof. Woke up feeling punched…
Some of the other hallucinations were coming back.
I had a vivid almost waking dream about being homeless again… and that’s when I think a vague answer hit me… Monday is my job review…
It shouldn’t freak me out because my past 7 have been solid… my boss is an easy guy to work with. I’ve been able to take on a few more hours here… help out there… a few new projects… a few old ones…
but I’ve been working myself into a panic on this. All the “What If’s” just swirling around and freaking me out.
Then it starts to grow… what if a bad review makes it so I can’t transfer… or if I loose hours and can’t pay rent… loose the apartments… loose the medical benefits… loose the meds… and on and on it goes.
There’s no reason for all this worry… but that cold sweat dread just sits in the bottom of my stomach eating away… sending a lot of panic signals to the brain.
It takes a lot of work to take a breath and even write down some of the things I’ve been doing right. So I guess I’m going back to the books about anxiety management.
Meds and therapy keeps the supporting walls up pretty well most of the time.
I’m still surprised when I try to live it right… and the brain still breaks free and runs away.
Taking a deep breath and avoiding the coffee this morning… I even feel a bit physically shaky… like I’ve been through a car crash. It’s been a long time since my brain has beaten up my body.
Thanks for letting me write this one out
Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sure your review will go fine. You’ve been so well.
Best of luck, J
I’m sorry that you’re having some panicky symptoms. I remember having the shakes and diarrhea before class before I got on my current meds. Now I am rather uh confident and even arrogant.
Better living through chemistry, oh, wait now I am the opposite.
You have to realize that your fear is the scariest thing for you. It’s fear itself that is your problem. What I heard you say in a roundabout way was that you are doing well but afraid of the worst possible scenarios.
It’s called catastrophization. I do it too. We see all of the ways anything and everything can go wrong and it’s scary as hell.
Just think of how many times you have been afraid and then came out perfectly well. Think of how scary it would be if you didn’t have fear. You would always be biting off more than you could chew and be in a mess.
Caution is one thing, that is the good fear. Be cautious of your condition and triggers. That’s adaptive. Crippling fear and doubt is not adaptive, it hinders people who otherwise would and could perform.
Hey, I think you will make it. I would bet my everything on it, I would wager my thesis which I have worked like mad on for nine months on you making it. I would bet my honors society membership on you being just fine a week from today. I would bet my degree on it.
And I’m one skeptical son of a bitch.
I hate catastrophic thinking. I’ve found myself googling services I might not need for years because of it. Just to put my mind at rest.
But you’re right, the brain just seems to take over and run with it. Like some kind of short circuit.
For what’s it worth, this helps me:
It’s expensive though.
A lot of us awfulize. It’s good to anticipate problems, but not to blow them out of proportion and obsess on them. I know it can be hard not to. I can do the same thing.
t know you went on an interview. I hope it went well. Im sure it did. I think the same way-enough to make me sick at times. My son got his genes from me.
@darksith is right. Stress really messes things up.
Hope all went well for you **
@Minnii and @mortimermouse Thank you for the vote of confidence
@everhopeful and @crimby Thanks for the commiseration
@darksith - thank you for the perspective.
Had my performance review… all was well.
I always get myself worked up for nothing. Still a little shaky but feeling better.
Ah see? Nothing to worry about. I’m glad it went well, good for you!
So I get to keep my academia crap I bet on it going well and you being A-OK?