i drew a picture of a bridge, looking back i think the bridge meant the bridge over from sanity to insanity
hopefully it is not a one way bridge !!
" all a board the insane train , toot , toot…!?! "
I drew a lot of dragons fighting in fire when I was psychotic. It was really hard because I was shaking very bad from the medicine.
This was during a psychotic break at college. It’s probably the only picture I ever drew during psychosis, and probably the last.
At the time I was questioning everything about christianity and the church I was going to, and life itself. I had ripped a pen apart and started stabbing the paper, because I wanted people to know a fraction of what was screaming on the inside. It’s interesting because my aquaintances didn’t seem to think anything was wrong. In fact, I feel an emptiness thinking about the lack of response on this and other things. I shut my facebook down, re-opened, deleted all friends but my immediate family and a couple others… the only response I got from that was a friend who later mocked me about it. In sum, I wish to never see any of those friends again, and some of my family. There’s an unforgivable silence that lingers just thinking about it.
Now I’m agnostic, have my own view of what “God” is, as if the term “God” is actually correct. The sum total of christianity makes me sick. Believe in something, anything…but not this. Not this crap. It will destroy you.
Here’s a sum of what christianity is to me:
Of course a multitude of christians will flood in and scream THAT’S WRONG!! JESUS GIVES YOU A CHOICE!! A choice to what? Be with him? And if I’m not with him, that means I’m forever in torture? So basically this God…made all of us…to either like him…or just die…in every way possible. And that’s our choice right? But no, then there’s predestination… he technically did not give us a choice, because he knew what was going to happen when he created everything. But it’s still a choice right? Sorta? No. I’m done. I should have listened to my 7yo self that asked a really good question: “Who made God?”
Honestly, (I’m not a christian), I think the first thing a christian would say is “God is a jealous god, can be an angry god, and will not have his own flock deny his own existence. He is however just and gives you the choice along with the warning.” …that being said, I personally thing organized religion is bull. Other people find salvation in it, they are better off than me, I will probably never find salvation in my life.
Faces. Lots of faces, usually tormented, twisting, pleading for help to be released from pain. Faces everywhere, in everything, smokey columns, fog rolling down the hall floor, faces staring back at me from the offices hidden in between the walls and their only window being the picture frames.
Sudden darkening overhead, when in full sunshine, the tree trunks have faces twisting around the branches.
The full face masks of foliage, trying to appear real but not quite behaving natural-like.
The texture on the walls, finds cartoonish alien like critters that rival the star wars bar scene.
And don’t leave out those face mask mirrors on a stick that reflect my face instead.
I drew and sketched a lot before I had my first manic episode.
The light isn’t coming from the picture but it’s reflecting sunlight from the window onto the poster.
I threw away all of my ‘psychotic’ drawings - they were very dark and angry. I must admit, that I am a better artist when - manic or psychotic - but the images are very bizarre to say the least
Very few people have less ability to draw than me. I’ve written some pretty creepy stories when I’ve been psychotic, though.
I can’t understand most of the drawings I did when I was at my worst. I actually can’t draw when I’m at my worst. I used to make pages and pages of dots. I thought that was how to fight my voices and save my family.
Or maybe I was thinking that I was perfecting my brail code… either way, I had to burn some of them when I felt better.
Some day I will actually burn the more incoherent of my journals… especially the kidnapper training manual I tried to write. That is just one long head trip I’m glad is over.