i drew a picture of a bridge, looking back i think the bridge meant the bridge over from sanity to insanity
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hopefully it is not a one way bridge !!
" all a board the insane train , toot , tootā¦!?! "
take care
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I drew a lot of dragons fighting in fire when I was psychotic. It was really hard because I was shaking very bad from the medicine.
This was during a psychotic break at college. Itās probably the only picture I ever drew during psychosis, and probably the last.
At the time I was questioning everything about christianity and the church I was going to, and life itself. I had ripped a pen apart and started stabbing the paper, because I wanted people to know a fraction of what was screaming on the inside. Itās interesting because my aquaintances didnāt seem to think anything was wrong. In fact, I feel an emptiness thinking about the lack of response on this and other things. I shut my facebook down, re-opened, deleted all friends but my immediate family and a couple othersā¦ the only response I got from that was a friend who later mocked me about it. In sum, I wish to never see any of those friends again, and some of my family. Thereās an unforgivable silence that lingers just thinking about it.
Now Iām agnostic, have my own view of what āGodā is, as if the term āGodā is actually correct. The sum total of christianity makes me sick. Believe in something, anythingā¦but not this. Not this crap. It will destroy you.
Hereās a sum of what christianity is to me:
Of course a multitude of christians will flood in and scream THATāS WRONG!! JESUS GIVES YOU A CHOICE!! A choice to what? Be with him? And if Iām not with him, that means Iām forever in torture? So basically this Godā¦made all of usā¦to either like himā¦or just dieā¦in every way possible. And thatās our choice right? But no, then thereās predestinationā¦ he technically did not give us a choice, because he knew what was going to happen when he created everything. But itās still a choice right? Sorta? No. Iām done. I should have listened to my 7yo self that asked a really good question: āWho made God?ā
Honestly, (Iām not a christian), I think the first thing a christian would say is āGod is a jealous god, can be an angry god, and will not have his own flock deny his own existence. He is however just and gives you the choice along with the warning.ā ā¦that being said, I personally thing organized religion is bull. Other people find salvation in it, they are better off than me, I will probably never find salvation in my life.
Faces. Lots of faces, usually tormented, twisting, pleading for help to be released from pain. Faces everywhere, in everything, smokey columns, fog rolling down the hall floor, faces staring back at me from the offices hidden in between the walls and their only window being the picture frames.
Sudden darkening overhead, when in full sunshine, the tree trunks have faces twisting around the branches.
The full face masks of foliage, trying to appear real but not quite behaving natural-like.
The texture on the walls, finds cartoonish alien like critters that rival the star wars bar scene.
And donāt leave out those face mask mirrors on a stick that reflect my face instead.
I drew and sketched a lot before I had my first manic episode.
The light isnāt coming from the picture but itās reflecting sunlight from the window onto the poster.
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I threw away all of my āpsychoticā drawings - they were very dark and angry. I must admit, that I am a better artist when - manic or psychotic - but the images are very bizarre to say the least
Very few people have less ability to draw than me. Iāve written some pretty creepy stories when Iāve been psychotic, though.
I canāt understand most of the drawings I did when I was at my worst. I actually canāt draw when Iām at my worst. I used to make pages and pages of dots. I thought that was how to fight my voices and save my family.
Or maybe I was thinking that I was perfecting my brail codeā¦ either way, I had to burn some of them when I felt better.
Some day I will actually burn the more incoherent of my journalsā¦ especially the kidnapper training manual I tried to write. That is just one long head trip Iām glad is over.
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