I know something’s wrong but maybe if I ignore it, maybe if I pretend it doesn’t exist then it wont. Then nothing will change. Then everything will be okay. To admit is to acknowledge and to make real.
This is so tempting to do. But problems generally don’t get solved unless they are addressed. Are you having symptoms?
Yes, no, I dont know. It’s not like before. It’s different. Not as much, not so intense. Not fully there. It’s a creeping, a tingling at the edges. A gentle brushing. Something that could become so much more if I let it. I’m stressed, that’s why. If I slip up, if I stop managing the stress I could get worse. I dont see things, or hear things. I have memories of it though. Anything I ‘hallucinate’ isnt really hallucination. It’s in my head, a habit, a reaction to stress. I know it’s not me actually hallucinating because it feels different. It’s not as real, it’s just a different part of my mind telling me bad things about myself through the memories of past hallucinations. I dont ever see things anymore. No delusions. I know it doesnt make sense. I dont know how to explain it.
So more of anxieties than actual hallucinations? Definitely something to call your doctor about, but in the meantime
Some things I do to calm down are:
Put an ice pack on the back of your head. This will cool down your brain and reduce activity in your limbic system, where emotions happen.
Do a task with simple, clear steps. I like baking. I follow the recipe, and it’s easy enough that I don’t get frustrated, but it requires enough concentration that I don’t have room to think about other things. Cleaning also helps.
Engage your five senses. This will remind you what is real and what isn’t. Listen to soothing music. Smell something pleasant, like an essential oil. Suck on a hard candy. Look at pictures of things you enjoy. Feel something with an interesting texture, like a piece of Velcro or a stress ball.
Try to levitate something with your mind. You obviously won’t succeed, but it gets you to focus all of your attention on a single point outside your body, instead of on your thoughts. I like to use this on airplanes or in public places, because it doesn’t require you to move at all. It looks like you’re just daydreaming to observers.
Listen to a guided meditation recording
Yes, because it happens when I’m more stressed and/or anxious. I think part of it is the time of year. I always get weird this time of year. Once it gets closer to spring and summer I’ll start to feel better.
One of the hardest parts I’m finding about managing everything is that theres not a lot I can do at work. It doesnt matter how upset I am I still have residents counting on me I have people that I need to take care of so everything gets pushed down. By the time I get home I dont have the energy to do anything or deal with emotions. I have a bad habit of just pushing it down. I know I shouldn’t. I’m trying to work on it.
I do listen to music a lot but I cant do that at work. I have started carrying altoids in my pocket though they help sometimes.
I’m gonna get a different job once school starts. I’m hoping for something that’s more grunt work/manual labor. Something that doesnt require much thinking or a lot of human interaction. I’m gonna stay in assisted living for the time being just through summer then I’m done. I promised I’d stay until school plus I dont wanna get a different job just to most likely leave that job soon.
If I had been upfront about my problems when I first got sick as a teenager my life would have been okay. I had problems that were so terribly embarrassing that I could never tell anyone. Now I find out these problems are fears everyone has! I thought people would always identify me with what I’d said.