Don’t trust anything

Right now I don’t trust the crisis team, I feel like that they are asking me questions to find inconsistencies to trip me up on. I think they think I am putting it on.

I also don’t trust myself to know I am not putting it on. I’m sure I have inconsistencies because there isn’t much logic in my thoughts.

In the 45 minutes they were here I went from sad, to happy then sady again. They have left and I feel terrible now.

How can my illness be valid if it so inconsistent. I don’t deserve support. I deserve to die.

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You dont deserve to die, buddy. Be positive. It will pass sooner or later

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Dear Jimbob, don’t be so harsh on yourself. You most definitely don’t deserve to die and you most definitely do deserve support. Especially if you are feeling so down and suffering from mood swings. There will be better times ahead.

There have been many times that I was thinking the same as you now - I didn’t trust anyone, not my team and especially not myself, and thought I’d better be dead. Every time I sincerely believed I would always keep feeling like that, it would never get better, but eventually things got better again. My view of other people and myself got more positive again.

If there was hope for me (even my psychiatrist gave me up and said I would die soon!), there is surely hope for you!

Hang in there.

I’m sure your team isn’t trying to trip you up. What makes it difficult to trust your crisis team? Is there anyone in the team who you trust a bit more than the others? If so, can you ask to speak to this person? Or is there anyone outside the team you can trust? I don’t know… maybe a pastor, maybe someone you know, maybe your GP?

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I would say inconsistency or being erratic can be a hallmark of severe mental illness.

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I once had a pdoc for purposes of benefits describe me as “Being stable in my instability”.

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No way @anon35166066, you don’t deserve to die at all. Sounds like you’re going through a rough patch, but the team is there to help you. Like somebody else said, inconsistency is part of the illness. There’s no way they think you’re “putting it on.”

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Well, you have to look at the big picture. I don’t think you’re “putting it on” because it is obvious from your recent posts that you are struggling and something is really wrong. Maybe your crisis team is judging you by seeing you for a couple visits; they haven’t seen how hard a time you’ve been having lately. I think if they knew the whole picture they would understand how serious you are.

The trap I fall into when seeing doctors when I’m in crisis is that I have a very difficult time with putting into words what is wrong with me. I guess I assume they should understand my problems but they are not mind readers so they only can go by what I’m telling them. They may visually see certain problems but it is not their fault (or mine) if they don’t understand what I’m going through.

I think your team wants to help you: they don’t wish you ill. They want to see you do good.

You’re a good guy from what I’ve seen and you deserve help. We all have our crisis’s, but they pass and things get better. i don’t want to start trouble between your and your team but maybe it might be good to tell them that you are a little suspicious of them. It might clear the air and they might understand you better. They don’t know you are paranoid about them.

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I don’t have much in the way of advice but to say you would be very missed
Hang on. You are needed

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@anon35166066 you deserve happiness and you can get there with enough personal effort. As others have said , don’t judge yourself for mental illness. No one would bestow this upon themselves. Just keep fighting for a better tomorrow and you will find it

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You have a theme of not feeling that you are sick enough to deserve help. Either in the form of monetary help or otherwise. You seem to fixate on being found out as a fraud a lot. I think that’s part of your illness for you. I have that a lot too. I even have to convince myself just so I will take my meds. I’ve actually read several folks on here talking about that. We don’t have to be miserable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to deserve being helped. We’re going to have natural fluctuations. The team is going to know this. You don’t have anything to prove. It’s going to be okay.

Hang in there @anon35166066 could be rapid cycling or mixed mood just tell them everything … And how you’re feeling. I hope you feel better.

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You also do not deserve to die. No die :anguished:

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It’s all in your mind. Thoughts and feelings rise and fall. Thoughts aren’t reality. The illness will trick you. Feelings lie and deceive you and tell you that there is danger where there is none.

@anon35166066 hope your feeling better mate, thinking about you

@anon35166066 just wanted to see if you ok :hugs::hugs::hugs:

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