Do your symptoms fluctuate and when they come do you have insight?

My story is I had an unrecognised (well maybe two) psychotic breaks although apart from one which was due to doctors removing all my meds the other came gradually before my major one. Because it went unnoticed (I had a hard time communicating and had a psychopathic consultant who just thought I was lying because I presented with PTSD at the same time so he thought I was a personality disorder) the meds they put me on didn’t work they just made me feel like I didn’t give a damn I was tortured for about a year in psychosis it wasn’t until my new consultant and cpn who looked at my history, actually listened to me and confirmed I had psychosis and possibly schizophrenia I was put on chlorpromazine and have remained on it since its the best med I’ve been on I don’t have voices as much and when I’m not in an anxious state I can challenge my thoughts with cbt. I’ve never been free of everything.

However my question is, when I get anxious I slip back into the psychosis frame of mind, I get delusional, my voices get worse and I get thought disorder. I just hate it because I lose all insight until I talk it through with someone like my cpn who will challenge my thoughts and usually gives me some insight but I can’t come up with evidence against my thoughts by myself I become engrossed in whatever my current thought process is. I have surgery tomorrow and until yesterday where I saw my cpn and talked to my mum I was convinced they were putting a radiation emitting device behind my eye to control the implant and was going to be interrogated by MI5 when coming through from anaesthesia, that all the medical staff were compliant and that the secrets in my unconscious would be revealed I even pondered killing myself so it wouldn’t happen, I got very angry at my family because they’re the only reason I’m here and am doing this. Not to mention spies are acting really bizarre.

Yesterday I saw my cpn who was trying to challenge my thoughts and gave me doubt but I’m finding it so hard to comprehend that it’s just going to be surgery. Everything points towards interrogation but the well part of me is trying to fight but my thoughts are so strong I’m just trying to find out whether this could be my schiz I mean I’m repeating it to myself that I have schizophrenia but if I do why isn’t it disappearing with meds? Why aren’t they quiet, why can I still see spies and shadows? It just feels more real that I’m a political prisoner… But I thought I’d do an experiment is anyone like me? Where you have phases where you fall back into schiz but when you’re not in those phases still have symptoms but can be okay? I just if this is schiz surely it should just go away with the right meds? I don’t know I just need to know whether there are people like me and have schiz, I’m trying so hard to stay in the thought that this is schiz and not reality but I just keep phasing in and out, one minute I’m crippled by anxiety, voices going mental and feeling suicidal then I’m trying to challenge but when I get into the phases it feels so real I just find it hard to think my mind created it…

I’m sorry this is long, just thought I needed to explain a bit more to my question. I’d appreciate anything,just need some help.

Some ppl are helped by combining two anti psychotic meds.

I have “thought struggle” as well. All the time I have to challenge my thoughts. Think why would you be so important to MI5? Are you a spy? Or just any ordinary uninterresting guy?

I heared a dog talk to me on tuesday. I challenged my thoughts and hallucination. It’s just miss fires in my brain. Dogs don’t talk. Shake it off, go on with my own business.

I have 20 mg Abilify and 300 mg Quetiapine. Voices are not gone. But manageble. It’s hard in the beginning. Nothing is real and everything is real. What sences do you trust when you can’t trust any of them.

YES! this is exactly how the wheels fall off my wagon. A little grain of anxious grows into a panic and then I’m right back there with the kidnappers and the paranoia and the more the panic grows, the more the voices play and the more they play the worse I get. I am convinced again of all I’ve worked so hard to talk myself out of before. I can feel it, I can hear it, I know it’s not right, but my mind races on and on and I have no way of slowing it down. Then the visual hallucinations amp up and I’m right back in the house fire.

My sis is not just stopping by the market after work, she’s been snatched by the kidnappers, there is a change in the weather, a baby is on the way. As my voices play I become convinced that I have done harmful things to people I love. I’ve been that dark negative person I used to be. I’ve caused great pain and sorrow, and then I am in great pain and sorrow. It starts to get worse from there.

I need people to tell me “No J. NO, none of that happened. You know that’s not what happens, you know it’s not real. Listen with your other ears and look with your other eyes, the logical eyes, nothing is on fire, there are no kidnappers.”

Breathe and calm… and breathe… and calm… and breathe… and with the power of my mind and the kindness of my family, I can make the kidnappers and the fire go away.

But there is on delusion that takes a hold very quickly and fades very slowly and I fight it all the time. Sometimes I just have to pretend it’s my little secret that I don’t tell anyone. That helps me forget about it. But then with the panic, the delusion is as shiny and strong as it ever was.

YES. I rely deeply on those around me to help me and talk me down sometimes. I need my J preservation team to help me stay in lucid town.

Then it’s back to CBT for me and I am on two anti-psychotics sometimes they get uped for a little while and then the dose will get knocked back down and I can continue on with my life. Ahhhh… :relieved:

Chlorpromazine is also know as Largactil I believe. Anyway, my point is I used to take Largactil in syrup form and it relieves anxiety associated with sz greatly. I used to take chlorpromazine in tablet forms but found them bloody awful. But in syrup form I found it great.

As regards your difficulties at the moment, take something to relieve anxiety. Personally I don’t believe that the MI5 are doing anything against you. Not at all. This is just your illness. Go ahead with your surgery. Theres no need to fear the MI5, the MI5 are a force for good in the world.

Things will get better. Much Love.

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TLDR: answer to topic; Yes. I rely on insight to make it through a productive day event though my symptoms sometimes flare up with stress. I am a psychology major and have deep insight. I can write out the pathways of the brain responsible for my symptoms. I know how my meds work, ect.

Thank you everyone! Very helpful I went to a pottery class today, got lost in the clay which relieved my anxiety somewhat but your replies help a great deal and have encouraged doubt! So thank you I deeply appreciate them and will think of them when my anxiety rises that this is illness talking and I’m not alone, thank you, take care everyone!


no mi5 is not going to interrogate u when u wake up from surgery…it’s just a routine appointment. nobody is compliant or complicit. my voices have tried to convince me of many things over the years but i just don’t believe in them anymore. their latest is that i was a scientist and that i had invented free energy and the government wrecked my life backwards using time travel to stop me inventing free energy…yawn! it’s bollocks. voices do nothing positive for anyone hunni. all they do is lie all the time to get u to believe in some stupid ■■■■. don’t trust them. trust the people around u. that love and care for u. hope u feel better soon xxx

I am all about clay. Pottery class is my favorite. I hope to try it again someday and not run away if things get a little hard.

I’m glad you have this outlet in your life.

Can you move up the surgery? Sounds kinda like when you are three and get on the big slide. It’s really far down there but there are other kids on the stairs so you can’t go back. This happens to me all the time on water slides, which is one of the reasons I don’t go to water parks any more. Just get on the slide real quickly and zoom down.