My story is I had an unrecognised (well maybe two) psychotic breaks although apart from one which was due to doctors removing all my meds the other came gradually before my major one. Because it went unnoticed (I had a hard time communicating and had a psychopathic consultant who just thought I was lying because I presented with PTSD at the same time so he thought I was a personality disorder) the meds they put me on didn’t work they just made me feel like I didn’t give a damn I was tortured for about a year in psychosis it wasn’t until my new consultant and cpn who looked at my history, actually listened to me and confirmed I had psychosis and possibly schizophrenia I was put on chlorpromazine and have remained on it since its the best med I’ve been on I don’t have voices as much and when I’m not in an anxious state I can challenge my thoughts with cbt. I’ve never been free of everything.
However my question is, when I get anxious I slip back into the psychosis frame of mind, I get delusional, my voices get worse and I get thought disorder. I just hate it because I lose all insight until I talk it through with someone like my cpn who will challenge my thoughts and usually gives me some insight but I can’t come up with evidence against my thoughts by myself I become engrossed in whatever my current thought process is. I have surgery tomorrow and until yesterday where I saw my cpn and talked to my mum I was convinced they were putting a radiation emitting device behind my eye to control the implant and was going to be interrogated by MI5 when coming through from anaesthesia, that all the medical staff were compliant and that the secrets in my unconscious would be revealed I even pondered killing myself so it wouldn’t happen, I got very angry at my family because they’re the only reason I’m here and am doing this. Not to mention spies are acting really bizarre.
Yesterday I saw my cpn who was trying to challenge my thoughts and gave me doubt but I’m finding it so hard to comprehend that it’s just going to be surgery. Everything points towards interrogation but the well part of me is trying to fight but my thoughts are so strong I’m just trying to find out whether this could be my schiz I mean I’m repeating it to myself that I have schizophrenia but if I do why isn’t it disappearing with meds? Why aren’t they quiet, why can I still see spies and shadows? It just feels more real that I’m a political prisoner… But I thought I’d do an experiment is anyone like me? Where you have phases where you fall back into schiz but when you’re not in those phases still have symptoms but can be okay? I just if this is schiz surely it should just go away with the right meds? I don’t know I just need to know whether there are people like me and have schiz, I’m trying so hard to stay in the thought that this is schiz and not reality but I just keep phasing in and out, one minute I’m crippled by anxiety, voices going mental and feeling suicidal then I’m trying to challenge but when I get into the phases it feels so real I just find it hard to think my mind created it…
I’m sorry this is long, just thought I needed to explain a bit more to my question. I’d appreciate anything,just need some help.