Do you have this, to withdraw in yourself?

Its one of my problems… I withdrawal still in myself almost in front of everything…
I feel it also very physically in fact lol… Its just like closing in your guts, unable to talk, to have pleasure, to feel my heart emotions :frowning:
Even my current pdoc said, that i turned sick, cause ive closed in myself…
I hope i’ll open and stop one day too, right? Its like i oppress, because of the sz, my soul, my heart, my thinking etc… Everything was affected in me because of that… I even developed thinking deficits, not opinions on many things. My emotions were affected too, they probably lack per moments… So i was quite lost, not knowing even which food i like, or which people lol…
Did you experience that too? To close in yourself until almost an emotional death? Its painful too lol, cause i boil still from some desire to be open and just in less pain lol…
I guess this symptom is quite sz, but some are luckier on that lol… All my efforts of fighting now go to just expand myself, my mind, my emotional life etc, i hope, that this will work one day lol…

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My pdoc called it going back into shell when things get uncomfortable. I couldn’t tell him I was being mechanical out of that shell.
I find difficulty to put thoughts, feelings and emotions into words. Even to realized what I am experiencing.
Lot of things are similar to how you explained them.
Not able to think well/problem solve.
I know that there are things inside mind. But I can’t just access them.
Feel like being on strange kind of sedative which makes you lose touch with parts of mind without putting you to sleep.

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Thanks for the answer :slight_smile:
Yeah, its exactly like being in shell… I was like that even before the meds, my sz is like that, so i dont even feel the oppressiveness of the meds… I was already withdrawan without them…
The problem is that i never liked being like that and despite this, i always had a rich inner life, i just couldnt express it, so i was raging in me, i was irritable etc… All this affected my thinking (i really have an intellectual blanks and deficits) and my emotions, which werent positive or strong at all :confused:
Do you think, that we can expand and open more with time and with the maintenance of the meds? its my hope too… I didnt even develop a ‘‘me’’, you know… I wish id be free inside of me and the outside will follow then… I lack my positive emotions too…
Tbh, my ill friends irl complain, that the zyprexa suppresses their emotions, but i need this med…

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You might have just described my inner world. Not sure if it’s as rich. I was like you described before I got sick.

This thing brought me tears. :smiling_face_with_tear: Strange and happy kind ones. When I speak I find I use clips of way others speak. You may or may not relate with this. There was time few months where I felt actual me was speaking up. I was having my own personality. Not using sound bites of others. Intellectual blanks and deficits had cleared.

But it was momentary. Change didn’t last. This improvement didn’t. Back to square one.

I am off APs now. I find myself daydreaming more. Getting lost in it is back. Psychosis not yet. It might catch me by surprise.

You know this small convo of ours gave me strange hope. Unexpected one. :smiling_face_with_tear:
It might not last.

:peace_symbol: @Anna1

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