Do you believe in me after all my years of isolation?

Ok, i guess nobody will take away my hope of recovery now. But i am too dumb to have spent so much time in isolation. whatever…
how many time it will take me after those 16 years of isolation? any opinions? 2,5, 10 years?
i am old now, really…
i went out today cause i was less paranoid because of my zyprexa. but its still soo few. i wont rush to help myself i guess… i am soo dumb right now… i have all these cognitive issues, all these worries that ill say something stupid in public. in fact, i have troubles speaking since kid yeap. I need freedom i guess?
its not a life to sit in one apartment like a dog. i did this already in the past, i had enough…
if i think better ill realize that its a tough and debilitating illness and the fault is to nobody. how to see friends when you dont have any pleasure anymore? I count so much on the neuroplasticity in fact, thats what i do all day long now… even my doc told me that if i dont change anything, ill regret it. But why then we take meds? why all this chemistry which washes in a way our bodies and our brains? some people are luckier than me with meds i find. i am tired to always being strong. Now i should work more on myself in your opinion. but yeah, i am all alone in this struggle. even my mom looks at me strangely sometimes wow…
plus, correct me if i am delusional or too ‘‘high’’ sometimes.

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You’ve only been on 10mg for 2 weeks and already you’re seeing an improvement.

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yeah but ive lost everything so many years ago… It will be tough I think or even impossible…

It doesn’t matter if I believe in you. Your recovery comes from YOU believing in you!

I am tired of myself pixel!!! ok,probably my night scream again, yeah, sorry for it…