ok my last topic for today i promise 
do you ever feel like you were wrong person doing wrong things at the wrong times with wrong people at wrong places before illnes?
and that your illnes was unavoidable because of that?
and do you feel like after all that torment you ended up a better person?
I’m not saying that this illness is a gift because it’s not.
In some ways I’m a stronger person because of my experiences that came about from having Schizoaffective Disorder.
Yes to all your questions. I like how you say I made bad decisions but they were unavoidable. I think it’s cuz the illness is genetic. The environmental factors could trigger the illnesss to worse extremes but the environment is tough for most people. It’s the genetics that lead to the environmental difficulties. Like when I was tortured, I was tortured BECAUSE of my mistakes I made because I was mentally ill. They didn’t understand me so they tortured me. But I think I’m a better person in the long run, my mom wouldn’t like to agree though…
I think just getting older made me a nicer person.
I think depression made me a better person. It taught me compassion and humbled me, I feel. I wouldn’t take back my first depressive episode because I was a very different person before it. And I gues the psychosis made me a better person because that’s how I met God…and learned love and warmth and understanding…
someone told me once that i am too quiet, too polite, too weird and too sensitive. i don’t know if that’s the schizoaffective or if those qualities make me a better person.
It made me wiser but weaker. To kind of quote Johnny Cash.
No, it wrecked my life along with all the other crap that goes on.
No, post illness my faculties are inferior to pre illness. I have qnhedonia and alogia, and i cant survive without constantly taking medications. I can’t speak and my train of thought is disrupted. These issues have plagued me since i fell ill. Since negative symptoms take away my ability to experience i am in every way inferior to my pre sz self.
No before my illness I did not think poeple are all about some kind of telepathy which is has become so normal they dont even realize it.
I could focus on myself and push myself and work hard before this illness.
This Illness put my existence in the gutter. Suffering built preserveance, character, and hope, but I’m still in the gutter, and most likely going to be there until I die.
Totally think it has made me a better person. Think I was never broken or humbled enough to truly seek God. Always felt kind of self sufficient prior to my sz.