I’ve not been diagnosed with schizophrenia, or anything else for that matter, because I think doctors don’t care much for confidentiality if they think there is something very wrong with you. Every schizophrenia website I’ve been to say family needs to be involved and a huge part of the treatment process and such. I have no interest in involving my family in anything so I think the doctors would probably force me or go behind my back. They also state that treatment requires a “team” of workers. It’s a small town and I have a big family, so many people know of me or has seen me and know who I am, so if one doctor breaches confidentiality once I feel like everyone would know (+ I would probably end up sharing drs with someone in my family).
I live and work with my mother and I’m able to conceal the level of my distress well enough I guess, or she just doesn’t want to see it (no, I’m not a teenager). But that’s how I want it because I can’t deal with people knowing personal things about me or worrying about me, it makes me physically ill.
I want to move to a place less isolated because I know it would be healthier, but I don’t think I could cope with working with strangers, and if I go on unemployment I’d still have to go to job interviews. Even going to the grocery shop causes me so much stress and paranoia, but I can deal with a new place where nobody knows me and I don’t have to talk to people. Honestly I would love to just move and go on welfare so that I could live by myself like a real adult, and get some treatment and practice with regular life stuff. But if I quit and move, and then try to get treatment there is always the risk that I won’t be able to get disability/welfare and end up going through all my savings because I can’t get a job, or end up moving back home for the second time.
I just can’t trust anyone, I feel like they would talk about me, riducule me, force me into doing things I don’t want to do, or just not believe me and think I’m trying to cheat the system. Every time I tried to get treatment I ended up breaking down and just not telling them anything… I also worry that they will force me to take antipsychotics even though my hallucinations are usually very minor and I think they probably aren’t real (just shadows moving in the corners of my eyes, except if I’m very stressed, then I see a demon).
I definitely recommend going at your own pass. The trouble is (in my case) the paranoia makes me not always make the correct decision. I’m pretty sure my doctor is against me but I know what I’m like when I try and get away from them. Just food for thought.
If you have this illness the world should be understanding. You sound like a good person who puts a lot of effort into his life.
Sorry you live in a small community. I used to live in a town of 1800 people. Was terrible the kind of gossip and level of being known, the standards they set. These christian sportsters. Glad I got out of there. I live in a much larger town now (90000) No one even knows or would care that I have SZ. or that I’m atheist or anything else like that. It’s still kansas though the leading demographic is christian sports fans.
This site is a very good place for reality checking and venting. Stick around and maybe we can help you learn new ways to cope in your struggle.
My two cents worth is… I’d start Googling “paranoia,” “paranoid personality disorder,” and “paranoid delusions” and learn everything you can so that you’re able to move up the “recovery ladder” from second-level “contemplation/consideration” through “identification/acceptance” to “commitment/action.”
Paranoia is essentially a cognitive-affective-behavioral orientation (meaning a combo of interactive beliefs, emotions and behaviors all affecting each other) one can “treat” (to a considerable extent) without medications or spending zillions with a psychotherapist… =IF= one is willing to use workbooks on cognitive-behavioral, dialectical behavior, mindfulness-based cognitive and/or acceptance & commitment psychotherapies.
I assert this because I have been paranoid as all hell, and =so= hostile towards the medical and psychotherapy establishments at times that I would have nothing to do with them. I had to find help somewhere. I discovered these workbooks at Barnes & Noble, and then started buying them and using them on amazon.com. They’ve helped me make a =lot= of progress.
Thanks for your kind replies. I don’t know if I would be diagnosed with schizophrenia, but probably something in the schizophrenia spectrum at least, this has been going on for so long and it’s hard to put everything on anxiety and depression (don’t think I’m depressed anymore).
The paranoia is the main problem for getting any treatment, but it’s not the symptom that bothers me the most since I don’t get that lonely I guess… The mood swings and negative type symptoms are the worst, can’t seem to get anything done except work, and barely that. So I’m not sure I’d be able to get many self-help tasks done when there’s nobody else to be accountable to. I pretty much stopped buying books after I realized I will never get around to reading them anyway, but I will try to look into it when my motivation goes up a bit.
I lived like that for many years until I nearly killed myself while having a psychotic episode. It’s a dangerous illness, so what if people find out. Self preservation is more important than swallowing a bit of pride if people find out you have some mental illness.