I’m a little worried about it and I keep trying to find the cause. I think I just want to understand what normal emotions are supposed to feel like, or what it’s like to be normal. I’m almost 25, but I don’t feel like I’ve led a very successful life full of accomplishments, and I’m searching for something that will make me feel fulfilled.
Do what u think will help u the best. I quit smoking pot because it made my symptoms much much worse and last for days and days. But medication didn’t solve it all for me and I ended up gaining more physical problems than mental benefits. So for me, taking my valium and sleep meds keeps me functional. But do what u think is best. Occasionally, like once every couple years, and I don’t recommend this, i eat mushrooms and hallucinate and work on reprogramming my brain. I feel much more sane afterwards and happier. Idk if its because I went through a controlled episode and came down from it and it gave me confidence in the future to do it when I’m not high, but it helps. And it can have the opposite effect on people that’s why I don’t think just anyone sz should do it. But its like what u said about temporarily losing it, I think it can have a beneficial effect if u learn from it and control yourself and come back confident that next time when you have an episode u know what to do and it can seem less severe. Kind of like a brain boot camp. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but with mushrooms its over in a day and I don’t think subjecting yourself to being in that head space for more than a day or two would be helpful. If u want to use it as a form of treatment make a thing of it and do it once in a while and make note of the outcomes
Apologies for the rant.
Just wanna feel normal so sick of it.
We all rant on this board sometimes. It’s a way to get out of our head. Sometimes the most surprising ideas get returned to you from a good rant.
I think I need to get over it. I’m upset at myself for the past resurfacing in false thinking and denial. I should stop trying to rationalize everything, but it must be good to question things just not to an extreme. I feel better today after I got some sleep.
So glad you’re feeling better. When you see someone in the state of mind you had at the beginning of this thread, you hardly know what to say to them, except “just wait and you’ll see, it will pass, things will get clearer as you start to take control of your life” or " you will see at some point how much of the pain is actually self-inflicted, the result of a brain discharge that makes you perceive things at a larger scale than they actually are."
I see you doubting the diagnose, battling with wrong medication, getting the “positive” feedback from a person who irrationally thinks a SZ should bite and howl and who tells you that you are not one maybe just so they can justify the fact that you are actually a good person and their preconception on SZs is wrong (I’ve seen that a lot), feeling horribly bad after life events that others might find ordinary and bearable (the bad roommates, the hiking trip etc) - I see in all of that some of the things I’ve experienced myself. (also, notice the rant was carefully read through and through).
But hey, I can also tell you this. You are communicative and aware of yourself, you rant, you apologize, you re-think possibilities, you try to find solutions, you have a healthy love life (and most probably social as well), you keep yourself adapted to reality. Congrats on that, I am more than sure that in a few years’ time you will get less of the bad feelings and more of the balanced, good life you seem to be craving for. It will take years, but it will not take you forever.
I for one, would not advise you to stop taking your medication. To put it this way, your brain has to re-wire correctly as you mature and establish your personality (I take it the hiking event at 15 was not so long ago was it? you seem to be still very very young). Your only trustworthy ally against the hardships of this disease is your medication. Adapt it to your symptoms, but do not renounce to it or you risk having your emotions backfiring to an extent you cannot bear. Going off medication will not solve the problem, it’s just denial, also it will harm you and also the ones around you who love you.
Zupa, thanks for the positivity.