I understand the ways people go about trying to reach their only personal state of mental equilibrium. I meditate frequently. I come up with ideas and I work and I make art. Yet everything is, and always has been, a bit of distraction to help me cope until things eventually came to some sort of calm.
I feel like I was dropped on this planet at birth. I don’t feel I fit into this world. I’ve heard the “hold on” mantra for virtually my entire life, yet I don’t know where I’m trying to get to. I don’t feel as though I relate to people as well as I would like to. I have an amazing capacity for empathy, I have a great sense of humor and being a good friend is something I pride myself on. But no matter what I still feel an unsettling void that I have felt since I was a toddler. Relationships are very difficult. All communication is. My brain works very fast. I see things differently and I process ideas very fast. It’s hard to relate, and I find that in all relationships I end up not really “getting” support, despite fully enjoying giving it. It’s not a matter of codependency, it’s that I don’t know what I really need/what could possibly be provided. Affection is great, but for the most part it’s just a detail. I feel like a lot of my continuing to push on has been for the benefit/at the request of others.
I have an amazing capacity to create and explore, my IQ tests in the genius range and I can talk to anyone about anything. Yet it’s pointless and often painful, most of all alienating. I don’t see worth in applying much of what I can do. Like what’s the point even? I don’t value much of what others do, and my perception is very different. I am not impressed with the mundane, and my baseline involves sensory overload. I have explored mindfulness and I understand myself very well, I just don’t understand where it’s possible to find contentment, and what point I have in fighting. I’m just leaping from one base to the next. I consider it to be an ok strategy while managing a crisis period, but after a couple of decades it is completely unproductive. I realize how generic this must sound, but I am truly at a loss. There are things I enjoy for sure, I just don’t see how that builds a life, or at what point I am supposed to see a true point in what I am doing. I think at this point I need like-minds but I’ve always come up empty when searching.