Decided it's time to grow up and accept I need meds

Ok, this is coming from someone with a long history of quitting meds after a few months, relapsing, taking meds, quitting, relapsing. At the age of 35, I’ve decided it’s time to grow up and take this seriously. I’ve kidded myself too long that if I don’t take meds then I can tell myself I’m not ill and I don’t need them.

Reading back through my diary it’s glaringly obvious that I’m a different person from day to day. It’s too easy to forget all the hard times as soon as a bit of hypomania kicks in, and too easy to blame outside influences when I’m feeling bad.

I got the report from my psych re our last appt, which said things like ‘in current replase’, strange ideas, labile mood, paranoid delusions, appears to be listening/responding to voices, outbursts of shouting… etc etc. Ok, I know I’m not 100% right, but I honestly didn’t think it would be apparent to anyone else. I wasn’t aware it would be that obvious from a one hour appt.

Most of all though, what pisses me off is the way I feel changes so suddenly, drastically, and unpredictably. I hate the way I can be laughing one moment and throwing things/punching walls the next. I did something really stupid and sent a long rambling message to about 20 people on fb, and got some really angry responses. I thought I was being helpful and clever, but I’ve basically offended pretty much everyone I know.

I thought my only problem was the way I feel sometimes, the irritability, depression, the obsessive rumination and worries. It’s not just me though. I’m upsetting people. This is why I isolate myself. I should delete my facebook, it’s too easy to screw up, like drunk dialling but 20 people at once.

The reason I keep quitting the meds is the horrendous physical and mental sedation. So I’m going to see my psych on tues and am going to explain this to her honestly, I’m going to tell her that I realise I need to be on an AP and why I keep quitting them. I’m going to ask about Abilfy. I took a small dose of it many years back and it didn’t sedate me, so maybe I can tolerate that at a therapeutic dose and stay on it.

I’m sick of being on the rollercoaster, sick of spending hours and days punishing myself for the things I say and do, and of wasting my life hiding from the world and doing sod all with my brains, skills, experience. I should be making something of myself, and I’m doing nothing with my life because the only way I can cope is to pretend the rest of the world isn’t there.

It’s been too long. I want things to change, I want some stability, I want to do something with my life other than hide in my house, I want to be someone.

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I know exactly where you’re coming from. I have had three relapses in the last two years because of meds compliance issues. My care co-ordinator asked the doctor to put me on a depot which I was very unhappy about. I honestly think that’s what they will do if I screw up again.

You have to try and slowly build yourself up to doing things again. For example, except for family and work colleagues, I have not spent anytime with other people outside of this for about three years now. I am trying to fix this by attending a drop in session once a week at a local charity where I can meet people with similar issues as apparently a lot of people get that way, and try and build some friendships. I don’t think it will work and I don’t want to do it, but I am having to force myself as being a shut in is not helping things either.

It’s all about pushing yourself. You may give yourself more problems in the short-term, but if you get into a routine you can get used to it and try to do more. It’s not easy and can be a massive battle day to day, but it’s achievable.

It sounds to me like you have reached a point where your current situation you are not going to wear anymore. I hope you can like I did take some small steps to doing more.

Best of luck

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Thanks ScottB. Things were always a lot harder and far more chaotic when I tried to function ‘out there in the real world’. These last few years I’ve isolated myself too, very little ‘real’ social contact, just Facebook. Going out in public is hard for me, I rarely socialise any more because I always feel people are judging and criticising me.

The psychiatrist mentioned a group I could go to, it’s not an official group, just a few people with similar issues who meet for a coffee and a chat. I said no to it before, but I think I should consider it, being around other people with mh problems would probably be easier than being around ‘normies’. It would be a start.

You’re right, I’ve realised I can’t do this forever, I need to start making some changes, even just little things, to get myself out of this rut. Sorting out the med situation would be a good start, if I can find a dose I can tolerate that controls the symptoms even partly, maybe that would give me that confidence to start to turn things around.