Ok, this is coming from someone with a long history of quitting meds after a few months, relapsing, taking meds, quitting, relapsing. At the age of 35, I’ve decided it’s time to grow up and take this seriously. I’ve kidded myself too long that if I don’t take meds then I can tell myself I’m not ill and I don’t need them.
Reading back through my diary it’s glaringly obvious that I’m a different person from day to day. It’s too easy to forget all the hard times as soon as a bit of hypomania kicks in, and too easy to blame outside influences when I’m feeling bad.
I got the report from my psych re our last appt, which said things like ‘in current replase’, strange ideas, labile mood, paranoid delusions, appears to be listening/responding to voices, outbursts of shouting… etc etc. Ok, I know I’m not 100% right, but I honestly didn’t think it would be apparent to anyone else. I wasn’t aware it would be that obvious from a one hour appt.
Most of all though, what pisses me off is the way I feel changes so suddenly, drastically, and unpredictably. I hate the way I can be laughing one moment and throwing things/punching walls the next. I did something really stupid and sent a long rambling message to about 20 people on fb, and got some really angry responses. I thought I was being helpful and clever, but I’ve basically offended pretty much everyone I know.
I thought my only problem was the way I feel sometimes, the irritability, depression, the obsessive rumination and worries. It’s not just me though. I’m upsetting people. This is why I isolate myself. I should delete my facebook, it’s too easy to screw up, like drunk dialling but 20 people at once.
The reason I keep quitting the meds is the horrendous physical and mental sedation. So I’m going to see my psych on tues and am going to explain this to her honestly, I’m going to tell her that I realise I need to be on an AP and why I keep quitting them. I’m going to ask about Abilfy. I took a small dose of it many years back and it didn’t sedate me, so maybe I can tolerate that at a therapeutic dose and stay on it.
I’m sick of being on the rollercoaster, sick of spending hours and days punishing myself for the things I say and do, and of wasting my life hiding from the world and doing sod all with my brains, skills, experience. I should be making something of myself, and I’m doing nothing with my life because the only way I can cope is to pretend the rest of the world isn’t there.
It’s been too long. I want things to change, I want some stability, I want to do something with my life other than hide in my house, I want to be someone.