Having worked with numerous sz pts the last ten years, I can attest that this is 1) typical, and 2) the norm, especially for straight females and homosexual males. (Homo and bi females – as well as straight, narcissistically defended males – tend to be “tornadoes roaring through the lives of others” leaving “wreckage in their wakes.”)
Okay. Now. You’ve already come to the real-ization that you cannot rescue him (because his ego defenses will not allow him to play Victim on the Karpman Drama Triangle with a Rescuer; he nust go to Persecutor and force you into the Victim corner. (See Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, because it is so revelatory for co-dependent sz pts.)
So the next thing you are likely to find helpful to prevent this from happening again (because the statistics scream that it will) is get into some help in Co-Dependents Anonymous the way many sz and other psych pts do around here. See http://coda.org/ and especially the Patterns and Characteristics at http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patterns-and-characteristics-2010/, a major eye-opener for me if there ever was one.
As will approximately 95% of all marriages involving BPD/DID. (I have had two wives with BPD/DID and BD.) And probably 100% if the other party is bipolar/sza… because both of these setups (here and yours) are about 80% or more co-morbid with each other. Meaning: Probably both of whom had combos of BPD/DID in DSM Axis II and BD/SA disorder in Axis I. (Dx’s tend to be very fluid in this part of the psychiatric spectrum.)
I tried and tried. (And tried.) I finally came to the real-ization that so long as I continued to floridly display all four of the above, I wasn’t likely going to be able to do intimacy on intimacy’s terms. I had to get help. A lot of help. It’s taken a lot of *time", but it hasn’t cost much.
And I have been able to participate in the recovery trudge with many others by getting that help. Which has given me a large circle of acquaintances, and a growing circle of actual intimates that have largely displaced the need to seek pseudo-intimacy with those who are – just as I have been – utterly unable to do actual intimacy.
If you are into getting there, reply, and I will explain how I have gotten up out of the depressive and anxious box and into a far more life-affirming space. (Hint: It’s not “religion.”)
You know, its kind of sad that all we do when seeking for love is actually switching through the Victim-Persecutor-Rescue roles and rolling between fears of isolation vs.abandonment…
It don’t have to be like that. If two people enjoy each other’s company and have no expectations. None of the “let’s build a relationship anxiety mess has to be there” small affirmations without expected return. When the affirmations are reciprocated then there you go.
We all have period of being alone within or outside of a relationship. Fearing it is pointless. It’s better to take to isolation than be abused.
I don’t mean to jab you in the shoulder with a pencil, but…
There is no such thing in this culture. Look to see. Tell me if you have ever been in a relationship with no expectations.
My point is that it is my job to observe to notice to recognize to acknowledge to accept to own that there are expectations coming from both parties, regardless of how well they may be Under Rug Swept.
Hang out with someone as conscious and interpersonally sophisticated as Ms. M., and one will be forced to discover that real “love” is being with what is in relationship, and not any of this nonsense we have all been taught by the agents of the accumulators of wealth that drives us crazy with agitation and grief.
Not gonna argue with that AT all. But I have to keep in mind that it’s just an ideal (which is a belief, btw, and you know where I am about those), and not an “actuality.”