Dead inside

Ok Here’s my update on how I am doing and feeling right now I feel so dead so lost so alone also feelings of Anger, Frustration, annoyance, Sadness, numb, emotionless at times stone face cold hearted the list goes on. I feel so Cursed when I should feel Blessed feel so ungrateful instead of Grateful angry at God I guess I should get over that. I want to attend Church but I am scared to step foot inside the door last time I went this was several years ago to a catholic Church and would tremble and almost fell to my knees in fear, when the priest passed by me. I shouldn’t of felt that way but I did and fear I will do the same if I attend this time around. But am determined to not let The Devil and his Workers hinder me in my entire life anymore. That goes for evil Wicked people too who want nothing more than for me to fail not a big fan of people in general so I keep to myself is that a crime to want to be left alone by certain evil ones out there who have made my life a living hell stay away from me I am not asking much just stay away far far away. I have more enemies than I have friends a lot of people hate me but that’s fine with me I am not here to please anyone or everyone just cant do it its impossible. So I am not even going to try I am me and if people don’t like it ■■■■ off then I could care less. But here I feel that some people do care for me and I give credit here where credit is due. Just in a foul ■■■■■■ up mood with all this emotions I am feeling its a wonder I get myself up out of bed of course after 12 to 15 hours sleep anyone would feel dead after sleeping that long but it goes along with how I am feeling. Been on Latuda40mg and for The most part most of the time I feel calm and relaxed other times I feel rage plus many other emotions. I took myself off Facebook temporary I will return when I start feeling better and get my head straight if I ever will feel better I feel talking about it helps some people some it doesn’t and I am just going to take my chances and see if I start feeling better.

Sounds like a lot inside.

yes its a lot to deal with and my life hasn’t been so great used to be but now since I am diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder and Bipolar as well as GAD.I am living in Hell and don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel Where is God when you need him why does he disappear when things go really bad and is around when their not doesn’t make any sense to me? Here I am floundering in this Wicked life of mine and no one is there to save me or pull me from the pits of Hell. Will attend church tomorrow just to see if there is something Spiritual going on with me and my life and to find peace with God and make Peace with God. Right now I am angry with him and need to let it go .I am also angry in general that no matter what I do I cant succeed in anything while yet other people tend to breeze through life ■■■■ them I hate those kind of people that everything goes so right for them yet so wrong for me and many others. I would love to shed some weight cant even do that without the Devil and his Workers having something to do with me not being able to succeed .I know I am blaming other people for me being over weight but I wasn’t always over weight I used to be extremely thin and attractive to a lot of people now I am big fat and Ugly and people see me as a Freak and a Monster just by the Looks I get cant stand the way I look then look the ■■■■ away I don’t care anymore what people think it is what it is I am who I am and for people who don’t get me or understand me and where I am coming from then don’t bother replying or thinking you can save me because you cant saving me is Gods job.

Don’t forget to go to confession after a long absence from Church.

Don’t like the devil’s workers then don’t go to church.

vatican even means literally “prophet of the serpent”.

god’s peeps, they are out there in the proverbial wilderness and not one of the most prominent religious organizations that have ever been.

I mean c’mon, who else would tell people that god wants to torture or punish them forever? Im sure after the first 100 billion or so years of punishment it wouldn’t make sense anymore right? Everyone would begin to wonder what the hell was going on after awhile im sure.

god, love, those two things have nothing to do with the church, the word church even comes from “kirke”, an ancient representation of a goddess who wears purple and carries a golden cup full of sweet sweet drugs that are bad for you.

I mean c’mon, prophet of the serpent.

I went to church today despite my fear of going once I got there all fear subsided and a calm came over me. I hope to make it part of my life going Sunday Morning starting out and once I get in the habit of going Wednesday night or Sunday night even. I feel a little better after getting out of Church this Morning but it will take a long time to overcome The Devil and his Demons who tried their best to ruin me and my life I still say stay far far away from me and don’t ever come around me with your Wicked devices and Schemes.I am onto you I know every Trick in the book and every scheme you want to throw up at me I have had it thrown at me already. I don’t agree with you @pansdisease Don’t like the devils workers than don’t go to Church I have to disagree with that if the devil and his Workers are in Church then there is No God there who wants to be in a Church where its dead and not alive in Spirit. I don’t. Sure there are lots of people who are Evil that sit in the Church and call themselves Christian I agree with that but who am I to judge that’s Gods Job to judge people for their works and actions. I am not God nor claim to be far from it nor am I a Angel or Saint I am just Human I make mistakes just like anyone else out there. Just saying the World would be so much better if there were no Evil in the World Free will is why there is so much evil some people choose to be that way. I haven’t attended Church for awhile I stayed away I still feel dead inside and all the feelings I felt before but hopefully one day I will be free from the chains that bind me and so many other people. I hope one day I will be forever free and can say it with a straight face and upilifted Spirit instead of always looking around or down.

Most of us would do well to get away some from abstract thinking and statements, toward cause + effect like - I did this and this happened. I thought about that and this is how I feel. Things like that. -

I hope you feel alive.

I do feel a lot better and did attend Church Last Sunday and will again this Sunday only I have to have a ride to Church if I don’t get a ride then I cant go simple as that. I was driving my car but unfortunately the seat is messed up and it sits too far back from the pedal and I cant Drive it until I get the seat fixed by the people who tore it up to begin with I had some work done on my car and they were careless and reckless in tearing my seat up where it wont go forward or back but just stay in the back position my dad tried fixing but gave up out of frustration. I hope they don’t charge me when it was their fault the seat got tore up it was working fine when I took it to the shop to be fixed so they are responsible for fixing I will be pissed if they charge me to fix my seat. From now on I will sit back and Let God take care of the people who made me Feel dead inside the people who’ve been after me since I dabbled in The Occult in my 20s and early 30s.God can deal with them I wont deal with them anymore I am used to their evil Schemes and Devices I been through them all and seen it all so what have I got to Lose nothing as long as I keep my focus on God and my family I should get through this just fine this situation I am in and still in since I dabbled where I shouldn’t of dabbled. I repent and ask forgiveness for things I have done in my past and not so past. I have hurt a lot of people in my lifetime and vice versa they’ve hurt me back. And continue to do so even though I quit dabbling in the Occult and am more focused on going to Church and making my better than it has ever been I feel such a calm when I go to Church and undescribable peace comes over me as well all my worries and fears Disappear. I will do my best to sit back and watch and let Karma do its job on those who wronged me and keep doing wrongs against me. I used to seek revenge but two wrongs don’t make a right. You always reap what you sow if you do good unto others they will do good unto you and so forth but if you do wrong vice versa you’ll have to pay with a life time or part of your life due to Karma. And believe me Karma will find you it found me and I suffer because of it.

I used to have a car with one of those seats. I’d find myself hitting the brake with the tips of my toes stretched out. I had dreams about that for years after I got rid of the car.