As a writer I’m no stranger to rejection.
I’ve seen at least a hundred rejection letters from different agents and editors and somehow I’ve been able to separate myself from work related rejection.
Personal rejection though, is a whole different beast.
I went on a date last Sunday with a girl I met on match.com. This was very exciting seeing as how I don’t go on a lot of dates.
For some reason I just have never been good with relationships and I’ll write on that topic later.
It seemed to go well though, we had a lot to talk about and it was fun but when I texted her after the date she said she didn’t feel a spark and asked if we could just be friends.
That was hard.
I know it’s a numbers game but dating is just not my forte. It’s even harder when you have an illness like schizophrenia.
I’ve said before that the way the illness manifests itself for me is an intense paranoia that people are out to get me or are making fun of me, and when you’re rejected by a date it only fuels that fire.
It’s been a week since the date and the notion still eats at me that there’s something wrong with me and that she went back to her friends and made fun of me afterwards.
That’s one thing I’ve never done the conventional dating routine. My first friendship with a girl/woman was non sexual and on both our parts quite immature in nature. The second with my future wife was in hospital and there was no dating routine. We just got to know and like each other culminating in the decision to leave hospital together.
I think I would be too afraid of rejection to put myself out there. Also making that judgement call as to whether it was more than just friendship wouldn’t be easy for me.