Daily anxiety from thinking about past episodes, PTSD

Does anyone else have trouble just thinking about your past episodes. The thoughts you had, the voices, hallucinations. A lot of nights I can’t sleep because I just start thinking about what I was doing during these episodes and it feels so lonely because my boyfriend won’t ever be able to fully comprehend my mindset during past episodes. There are some delusions I had that I wouldn’t share with anybody, maybe my psychiatrist but still then I’m not even sure. Just wondering if anyone has any Coping skills for this.

I have an expensive way of coping with stuff like that and it might not work for someone else. Basically a meditation machine.

I don’t really use it anymore now though. But I used it for years.

Recovery can take years and it all gets better with time.

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Yeah. Honestly when that starts happening at night I just pop a benzo, works every time.

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I do take clonazepam but I’m running out soon and my new psychiatrist won’t be able to prescribe them to me so I’m stressing about what I’m gonna do

True, everyday it gets better but I should try meditating more, it does help me but I’ve never heard of a meditation machine dang

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I used to be on cloneazepam too. I quit taking it voluntarily. It tooks me months to taper off it. Withdrawals were unpleasant.

I take L-theanine now. It acts like an over the counter benzo in a lot of ways.

You can buy it here for instance

https://www.iherb.com/pr/doctor-s-best-suntheanine-l-theanine-150-mg-90-veggie-caps/12959

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Yea I was reading about that, maybe I’ll try it thank you so much

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Another thing is those things you don’t want to share with anyone often are the ones that need to be shared most. I had things I thought I’d never tell anyone, and I found when I finally did talk about them it was like this explosion of emotion. Things were really crazy for a while. Dissociation, it would throw me into depressive episodes, trigger my psychosis, etc, but at the end of it all I was able to talk about the past and feel calm. (Note that this was a LONG process) Like it became something that happened rather than something that was just boiling inside me. I thought of it like a wound that got infected and that was me draining the wound. Very painful but in the long run made things a lot better for me.

Unfortunately the thing w ptsd is even if the wound is no longer infected, it’s still a bad wound. Bad wounds come w nerve damage that can flare up and give you random pain out of nowhere. So there’s no way to really cure it as of yet but improvement is definitely possible.

I’m supposed to be doing EMDR at some point w my new therapist? I barely know anything about it. Not even sure if that’s the right name. I’ll tell you if it’s helpful.

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The biggest issue for me is definitely the feeling of being judged once I tell someone. I’ve told my boyfriend most of my delusions but some are harder to explain without feeling ashamed of myself. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I definitely feel like certain things trigger my psychotic thoughts and it’s hard to explain that to people. It sucks. Having had delusions about family members makes it worse because I can’t explain why I get randomly uncomfortable around them.
I’ve never heard of that but yea tell me if it helps!! Thanks for replying to me. I barely found this website and joined and I finally feel I can relate to people even if just online.

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I still struggle with how I truly used to be during my episodes. One coping skill for me is drawing. I will sometimes draw out what I used to see or how I used to look and stuff like that in order for me to get a physical grasp on what has happened.

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I used to feel really ashamed about feeling traumatized by my psychosis because technically the things that happened to me weren’t “real”. But at the time they were very real to me and minimizing trauma helps no one and only prevents healing…plus talking to others with psychosis I realized that it is indeed a highly traumatizing disorder to have and anyone who thinks it isn’t is absolutely clueless! There’s even an established thing called “psychosis induced ptsd” where someone gets ptsd from either a psychotic episode or from being forcibly hospitalized during an episode.

I don’t really talk about my experiences to people in my life either, with the exception of some very close friends. Usually just on here and to mental health professionals though sometimes even mental health professionals can be clueless. They’ll ask if I’ve experienced any trauma and I start listing off all these terrible things I went through while psychotic and they’re like “ok but any REAL trauma” or something that sounds like that and I’m like dear god.

That definitely sounds like a good idea! I love drawing but I havent had the motivation lately. I noticed during my episodes I was extremely creative too, and during manic phases I was ambitious, it almost makes me feel bad about myself because I just feel so lazy now. I need to get out of this slump

Dude the ptsd from being hospitalized you mentioned is definitely real. I am terrified of hospitals, doctors and needles now. It seems every dr appointment i have I end up leaving crying and having a panic attack. Going to the doctors used to be a breeze but ever since being forcibly hospitalized I just can’t help but associates hospitals and doctors with negativity and pain. I just get so scared I’m going to be taken away again. Wow even just thinking about it makes me want to cry haha.
Yea I feel you on the professionals not understanding the psychosis trauma too. Like my episodes were the worst trauma I’ve been through especially the hospitalization part.

That’s why when I become a psych nurse practitioner I want to specialize in psychosis treatment, so I can work with people on these issues that aren’t widely acknowledged by the mental health field…there are so few specialists or even people with a lot of experience with people w psychosis…there is a lot of stigma…I think my level of deeper understanding could help me help others.

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That’s what I was thinking you have experience with mental illness so you’d be a much bigger help than people who don’t have a mental illness

One thing some of my friends are doing is inktober amd what they do is draw something in ink every day of October. If you set that daily goal for yourself it may just get you out of your slump.

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