On Friday I was filing some bills and important notices in my filing box. I haven’t been keeping up with it too well, so I decided to give everything in there a once-over and determine if I could shred any of it. I came upon a vaguely-worded folder and started rooting through it. In it I found a photocopy of my dad’s suicide note.
I wasn’t expecting to find it there. But like watching a train wreck, once I had it on my hands and was aware of what I had, I couldn’t help but read it.
It was awful. My dad’s note is made up of many different emotions…reflective, angry, depression, and regretful. He openly acknowledged it would be hard on me, dealing with his suicide. He mentioned how he grieved twice for his father who died without warning (before I was born). He called them “shock waves.” Indeed, I had my first shock wave when I found him. I think I may now be heading into my second “shock wave.” I’ve dreamed about my dad a lot recently, and I experience a lot of flashbacks to the room he died in.
He made it known how much he loved me. I wish I could have saved him. I mean, that was my dad. He would have turned 68 this coming July. He was 53 when he died. I put my dad through a lot, and I can’t help but think if my problems hadn’t existed, he’d still be alive. His last words of the note are “And so, good- bye!”
I guess I just miss my dad today. Watching my wife interact with her family yesterday (Easter) made me long for my parents. She’s almost 40, and has both her parents. Her brother is 53. I was an orphan at 19. Lost my mom when I was 11. How did this happen to me? Why did it have to happen to me? All questions I struggle with. I wish my dad was around to meet my wife. I wish he could have seen my wedding, met my in-laws and celebrated birthdays with my wife and I.
Suicide robs so many of so much. What a mess.