Boredom probably, wanting the rush.
Any of the hallucinogens, I’m craving the trip.
Dangerous thoughts, hate this feeling.
I’m counting the minutes right now, sitting with my mom, calm tea. Writing my way through it, trying to use my tools.
It’s strange, I know doing it would be disastrous, would hurt my relationships, would trigger me, but man it sounds so good.
Romanticizing the ritual and experience, need to cut that out. Need to remember the cult was a bad thing. I tried to do good, but it ended badly.
Tbh I wonder how much of my visual hallucinations are to blame on the disease, or the drug abuse. It’s all kind of foggy anymore.
8-9 years off the drugs, succumbed to the idea that I’ll always get cravings from time to time, but it’s what I do with those urges that defines the experience. I don’t want to slip.
I’ve failed in the past with temptation. Given in. I should always know better. Once I start I can’t stop, one beer and I’m chugging vodka next minute. One puff and I’m chaining. One dose, and I want ten.
I was the one that should of died, not my old friends and tribe, I always took it too far, always pushed closer and closer to overdose, left them reeling in my wake. I reveled pushing it.
Such is the day. Working on it.