I was wondering why I punished myself over very minor things and came to the conclusion that I was doing nothing to think through what is appropriate punishment or whether any punishment at all is appropriate or helpful.
I do it myself not sure why…In my early years I thought being hard on myself would toughen me up a bit.
The reason why = no reason.
I’m hard on myself because I want to be hard. Mission accomplished! Now to become a psychologist. That’s a better goal than to be hard, especially when you are hard already and have been there and done that as to hardness. What am I saying?! I’m getting hard on myself about not being perfect.
I’ve been trying to figure out what is perfect and when does one know when they have reached it?
I have a younger brother who… by some preset standard… supposedly has a perfect life… richer then our parents… big nice house… posh neighborhood… just bought his second sports car… well educated, pretty wife with her own good paying job… 2 kids… (that’s supposed to be perfect… isn’t it?)
Well according to him… his two kids… 6 and 9 are NOT perfect… so he yells at them all the time… and threatens to beat them up to toughen them up and become perfect. (they are terrified of him and have been living with me.)
To him… lately… his wife hasn’t been a PERFECT wife so he’s gotten angry with her and hit her a few times. She’s leaving him… finally.
When do you KNOW you’ve reached perfection if you never give yourself a break to enjoy what you have at the moment? What if you had perfection… and not knowing it… messed it up?
4 Likes
Some of the things that crushed me with guilt don’t seem that bad now, and some of the things that didn’t seem guilty now crush me with guilt.
1 Like
Are you telling stories to make a point again, SurprisedJ ?
Not this time… my sister in law is finally got the divorce papers in motion. Oddly happy for her… and mixed feelings for my niece and nephew.
My brother has always been more money driven, ambitious… harder drinking… harder working… pushing himself harder and harder… he’s the healthy one.
Yes the house is still under mortgage… he doesn’t own it. The cars are leased… he doesn’t own them… But he keeps up with the neighbors pretty well.
I meant about having a younger brother.
That does sound like the perfect life, but it only proves that happiness cannot come from the outside. I highly recommend reading “Buddha in Your Mirror.” With your ponderings James it would really answer a lot of questions you are searching for. 
I think that would probably involve an act of Ascension where one evolves into a non-corporeal entity. Hard to be perfect when one is trapped within the confines of of a decaying meatbot that is prone to bouts of flatulence and halitosis.
Trying to leave the world in better shape at the end of the day than I found it in the morning is the personal compromise I live with in order to keep myself from going crazy. Well, crazier.
Please take this as a constructive criticism, but you are going to find this challenging. You are fairly focused on yourself and I think you will find the habits and routines you have built around your personal recovery will be your largest obstacles when working with others. Academic learning is not that difficult for a strong-willed person. Trying to deprogram your longstanding personal routines when you’re a human battering ram, yeah. Have fun. I share some of your tendencies and this is something I struggle with on a daily basis.
10-96
That’s a good point there. I guess perfect for me is having my symptoms tightly controlled and my dreams being made reality. If I were to get the degree and job I want and be stable, I would say that would be perfect. To sit in my own house with the prefix “Dr” and sit there in silence would be nice.
But, like pixel, I’m wondering if you’ve ever thought about the job of the job. Dealing with the Van Goghs, the irrational, the out of control. Or are you just thinking of the prestige of calling yourself “Dr.”
2 Likes
I love insanity, it brings back memories
Well then, you’re not out to help anyone.
1 Like
I want to evaluate criminals not be a therapist. I am not interested in counseling, I would not enjoy being a therapist but I can smell disorders. Someone has to evaluate criminals. The guy who evaluated me worked with criminals a lot