I went through a period from my late teens to early twenties where I engaged in self-mutilation. I haven’t done it over twenty years but I still have the scars.
Being ‘locked up’ isn’t the worst thing. You would be in a safe place where you can get help. You wouldn’t be there forever and would likely feel some relief from the pressure to cut.
I don’t believe that place is safe for anyone. But my inability to earn a paycheck while in there would cause financial ruin and issues in many areas of my life. IF they ever let me go, I would leave that hospital with more problems than I had when I went in.
I used to cut. It’s an addiction. You’ve conditioned your mind to accept that behavior. That’s why the urges seem to pop up out of nowhere. I became addicted to the self care aspect of it. Try using red food dye, it’ll turn your arms pink but it works. Also try doing self care that is soothing. I struggled with it for years. It became obsessive and the urges seemed to come out of nowhere.
As far as the hospital goes and being honest with your doc, the law is they can only commit you involuntarily if you are a danger to yourself or others. Meaning if you are suicidal or homicidal. I’ve never been committed for only cutting. Even when I had a cut that required internal and external stiches they didn’t commit me.
Medication will give you the relief that you are seeking with cutting. The meds and ECT have taken away my hallucinations and delusions. I still get hallucinations but they aren’t as intense as when I wasn’t getting the right treatment. The right treatment has made a world of difference.
I really hope you reconsider being honest with your doc. It sounds like you are catastrophizing it and thinking the worst case scenario. That’s a type of anxious thinking. Your job probably offers short term disability where you would be paid if you had to go in the hospital but they definitely can’t fire you. Good luck to you. 
They can fire me and there is no paid medical leave. We are not required to have that because of the low number of employees. Also Oklahoma law says they can fire me for pretty much any reason they choose.
Hi Sasha, I also used to cut, but it wasn’t because of a commanding voice, it was either self-punishment or mental pain I wanted to balance out in the pain in the body. Your urges sound like you have a voice telling you to. maybe it is better for you to be on medication, since I’ve been on meds, I have had less urges to cut. I cut myself last week, as I had posted, but it was stress that brought it on, and I am trying other method to hurt myself that doesn’t harm me - the elastic band snapping method. I don’t know if anything I wrote helped you, but just wanted to contribute a little. 
I appreciate your contributions… I don’t know what is wrong with me… but i need (DON"T NEED) help that I afraid to get and on some level probably don’t want DON"T WANT THEM TO TOUCH ME. How I manage to keep my work is beyond me. I feel like my body is trying to split in two… what i need and what i want. There is an internal conflict to accept help and be honest or not.
“… you know they are poison…”
“… don’t take them…”
“…they will hurt you…”
“… they make you sick, you remember…”
“… they won’t let you leave…”
“… they want to study you, like you mom said they did when you were young…”
“… the men want to taste you…”
“… they will make you play games again…”
“… snip snip snip…”
“… cut deeper…”
“… get them out of your skin…”
“… god can’t save you…”
“… LOOK AT ME!!!..”
“… finish your plate…”
“… eat it or i will shove it down your throat…”
“… LOOK AT ME!!!..”
“… snip snip snip…”
“… that is just the way he shows you he loves you…”
“… our secret …”
“… no one will believe you…”
“… let’s play a game…”
“… hey pretty… why don’t you come sit down…”
“… it won’t hurt…”
“… just take it, you know you want to…”
all day… all day I hear this… i don’t know what to believe… all i know is i need to keep working… i have to hide all of this… they can’t know that I talk to them… my next appointment isn’t for a month, and I can’t afford to go sooner. I have to pay out of pocket because the insurance for my company doesn’t cover mental health services… what do I do? what can I do? How do I just snap out of this like mom told me to do… how do i stop acting… how do i make it quit… how do i straighten up and act normal… why the hell is this happening to me? Karma? is it because i let them touch me? it is because I didn’t please my father? is it because i deserve it? why???
Hi Sasha!
Are you on the Affordable care Act?
You always say that you dont want to hurt K....thats good…But I think you need to also not do this for yourself! You have to trust somebody–let it be your doctor. All kinds of good things can open up for you -even if they seem scary or bad at first> Cutting is the proof that all isn’t as well as it looks.
It’s found on very strong, fiercely independent people who are used to putting their needs last, after everyone else gets taken care of, and even then, we tend to minimize the need, but the want still conflicts.
A wound needs care…self care works, so does knowing you don’t have to hold the world on your shoulders by yourself.
It’s okay to be a bit needy…it’s okay to be human too. Well put…All you have to do is take a tiny step…Please be brave on this. your job is not as important as you reaching out for help and taking care of yourself. You can always get another job OOOOOOO
Hi Sasha,
Maybe you could tell your doctor that you would like to try an anti-psychotic because you’re hearing voices, but not acting on any of them and you know they are just voices.
I have insurance that will likely cover the meds they just don’t cover mental health dr visits
My next visit is about 3 weeks away. K has removed all sharp objects and even takes my keys. But i have been finding things; metal pen clips, metal paper clips, piece of chewed off fingernail… anything i can find to self harm. This is out of control and worse yet the recent hallucinations about nooses and bruise marks around peoples necks… bloodshot eyes… i have been staring at the second story railing at home… i am not suicidal … i just feel compelled to do these stupid things. And the cuts are never deep enough… i am so pissed that they are so shallow… and i don’t know why… i hear people calling me fat and worthless… other names all day… i keep having flash backs of being abused… i want all of this to end. The meds don’t help, the therapy gets nowhere… i doubt they even believe me… most people don’t. After all the cuts just mean I want attention right? … Attention… ■■■■… i would rather noone know I exist. I don’t want to be around people… i don’t want to be talking to these “doctors” about anything… just leave me alone… that is all I want to be left alone. I wonder if in death there is silence… peace… I want to be beside K… but i want things to stop…
I am at work … i need to find some way to focus on this programming task… but all i can think about is fixing the itch in my wrists… I don’t have anything around me to do it… my fingernails are clipped short… the blood is hard to get out of the desk anyways… and last time i got it on the carpet. Water helped hide it… but … god … a;sldkfj;alskdjf;lkajsd;flkjads;lkfj;alksdjf;l