Schizophrenia.com

Coming out to the world and my burdens to bear. Seeking... something

So, I’m 36 years old and behind the times when it comes to technology and social media. This will be my first post ever in a social media forum as it was my first time reading posts on a forum too. I’ve always been too paranoid to put myself out there. Yeah, it goes without saying, I’m a paranoid schizophrenic and I have some odd predispositions and beliefs. I have many manic theories of everything, including god, reality, the meaning of life, and what are - ever so vague - purpose in life is for. Being so philosophical by nature I get lost in my own mind thinking of big picture ideas for a good portion of time. I become so in grossed I become disconnected from the present here and now. I spend most of my life lost in “space time” just thinking about the problems of the world and how to solve them. I prefer this reality compared to the actual physical changing world of events and the barrage of stimulus requiring me to come back to Earth ending my journey through “space time” because reality unfortunately demands my attention. I’m an odd fellow swimming against the stream of normality at an oblique angle altering my view of reality. Therefore I fail to see what is actually going on in life that is evidently apparent to most people. Consequently, the many trivial things that come my way I end up reacting poorly to which in turn confirms to all I’m that awkward weirdo guy everyone talks about. In my world… it all makes sense and yet at the same time it’s just as absurd. I see too much and analyze too much. Which in turn leads to paranoia, then delusional ideals, then… all forum’s and social media things are evil, for example, leading to year’s of ubsured stubborn delusional ideals. I’m breaking down walls here and trying to rebuild a new path that is less askew. This is my official coming out so to speak .
So I bet you ask yourself what profound thing has driven me to finally join the modern world of forum support? Well, staying true to myself and my classic hallmark behaviors, my Story begins with the interjection “I’m supposed to get my shot in just a few days” and I had an episode at work and I quit my job of 10 years! And I did it with style; giving everyone plenty of munition to talk about for years to come. It was an epic failure. Just add it to the list of places I can never show my face to again! Unfortunately I work at the Veterans Administration. It’s unfortunate because I’m a veteran who gets all my medical care at that facility and I’m there on the constant. It’s where the police brought me when I had the worst episode of My Life where I did some things that are so astounding you can’t forget the story once it’s been heard. I know everyone there at that VA and I’m therefore doomed to the utter hell of being on everyone’s radar and scrutiny 24/7. Talk about being paranoid! I’ve been dedicated to a few chapters there in the history books of the VA!
The gods like to deal me things in three’s in order to truly test my resolve and constitution so the very next day my wife was admitted to a clinic as an in patient for what will be the better part of a year where contact with each other is only once a week for an hour or two. She is anorexic and has been the majority of her life. It was only because of Obamacare that we were able to get her into treatment in the first place. So all those who dislike Obama, I say this: it is only because of Obamacare that my wife is still alive today. I am a stepfather now playing the role of the single dad. Yes times will be tough, butt my son and I have a very special bond and the one thing I have learned is that even though he is not my blood he loves me just as though I were his biological father. A kid will love you if you are there for them to teach them guide them support them and play with them. I give him as much attention as I can and I can honestly say I love him as though he were my own child. I even got a tattoo of his name with a yin yang above it as he has taught me balanced in many ways. I used to be a man of extremes and would risk life and limb on the constant and was always in some sort of sticky situation. Because of my wife and son I have chosen to turn a new leaf and live a different life style. Thankfully, because of my medications I have been stable now 4 over 5 years within this relationship together. My wife is my world and means everything to me. She is the first and only person in my life that I have been able to relate with and talk openly with everyday. We talk about philosophy and the meanings of life continuously in a manner in which both of our sense of self have benefited and grown dramatically. I can’t emphasize enough how difficult of a time this will be for me without her at my side like she has been almost daily for The Last 5 Years.
Thirdly we are in the middle of a court case to determine visitation slash custody of our son with her ex. I have never been one to keep a father from their son by any means however in our situation it is a good thing the courts are involved. I don’t want to speak ill, but our safety and well-being of ourselves and child necessitates supervised visitations. I can only hope the courts will see this as well and provide safe means for us all to cooperate and interact together. There has been lots of sleepless nights in this regard. Both my wife and child have PTSD from this man and the things he has done.

We are a different breed us schizophrenics. We are destined to a life less ordinary that is fraught with hardships and sorrows. But such is our experience that are wisdom can be profound! I have done more in 36 years than most people will ever get to dream of doing in a lifetime. And most of it is so unbelievable most think me to be telling stories untrue. And I can’t deny it because my delusional eschewed recollection Leeds me to tell stories that are fancifully embellished despite my attempt to be truthful. It’s just how I perceive a situation so grandiosely that I speak in such a way. To complicate things I have a fault that catches me up all the time despite my best efforts to avoid doing. When put on the spot I will construct fanciful stories or lies 2 backpedal and protect myself in some weird means. They are the most bizarre things one could say at times but I don’t have the ability to prevent it for some reason. I also repeat what my wife says all the time as if it is a compulsion of mine. It’s like I’m trying to say basically the same thing but can’t find the words and when I hear her speak I just copy exactly what she says being it’s basically what I mean to say anyway. Do any of you have this weird problem as well?
For some reason I feel compelled 2 mention some of my Adventures as it defines me as a person or has come to. It’s funny because I don’t seek validation or speak in terms of bravado but I’m curious as to how many of you out there have thrown all logical sense to the wind and made a completely impulsive move with drastic implications. For example after getting out of the military and trying to survive here in the big city I completely lost it sold everything I had and move to the Caribbean and lived aboard a sailboat for several years. After tiring of that I tried to go back to school here in the states which was another epic fail. So I once again sold everything I had and went to Alaska to become a commercial fisherman and crabber. Being addicted to the extreme I became a skydiver and base jumper pushing the limits of My Chosen sport to the nth degree. You are never More Alive than you are when inches from death and know it is only quick instinctual action that will save your life. I am addicted to speed because it requires me to be in the zone and completely block out all of life and focus solely on the moment. You must accept the fact that you are more than likely going to die in the next few seconds and accept that fact. Getting to a point where you accept whatever life may bring in the next few moments is a liberating and Godly thing . Some people go to church Kama I jump off of big Cliffs and Towers , and dance with God and the devil at the same time. I liked it so much because it forces you 2 make the decision to save your life because you value it and your future . It would be all too easy to Simply do nothing and ground pound in ending it all and taking the easy way out . It’s amazing I am still alive speaking to you today. I have travel much of the u.s. climbing mountains and then base jumping off when able to or finding some other skyscraper Tower Bridge or aircraft to jump off of. I suppose I speak of these things because I crave such Adventures to this day. I guess I want to know if you follow schizophrenics also have an extreme need for adrenaline and adventure. I don’t know why I can’t be happy with a video game or a $5 football. I find very little pleasure in most daily life activities. I am constantly striving to find happiness and peace of mind. It is always remain very elusive for me. Is it the same for any of you? In some small way I wonder why I write tonight because I am fairly capable of making it through very tough situations in life. So I don’t think I seek advice but more that I seek someone to talk to that I can relate with. It has always been my goal to help others and I hope this story of mine strikes an accord with some of you and perhaps kids a little bit of inspiration along the way. Best wishes to all of you.

I couldn’t read it all, I’m sorry, but welcome to the forum :slight_smile:

Maybe try to space your paragraphs more often, so it’s more easy to read.

1 Like

You describe some very strong similarities between us. I too am usually lost in contemplation when I should be dealing with the job in front of me. It leaves me stranded and helpless at times. I think what you’re doing as a step father is great. We should all be so selfless.